Adventures in Food Packaging: Folgers Motor Oil

Real men buy their coffee at AutoZone.

Have you seen the canisters they're selling Folgers crystals in these days? I don't know what I'm buying anymore. Is it coffee or lubricant for my automobile? Why's everything in life gotta be so confusing?

Hmmm, Rich Pure Taste or Smooth Pour Bottle?

Screw it, I'm goin' with the Synthetic Blend.

We have a winner!

Last week as part of our highly popular Reader Challenge series, we asked the Erasable Pen faithful to help us answer a very difficult question: What on earth does Wikipedia programmer Brandon Harris Want?

The results are in and I'm pleased to announce there's a winner amongst us! Drum roll please...

It's our old friend Concrete Tomato! Here's CT's response:

Legs

That's a winning response if I've ever seen one. I mean, just think about it. Congratulations CT! You're now the proud owner of a $25 Sam Goody gift card. Good luck using it.

Before we all move on with our lives I'd also like to give props to our runner-up, Aaron, who fell just short of victory. Aaron's answer?

Oh! So close! Keep your chin up son. There's always next time.

Reader Challenge: What does Wikipedia programmer Brandon Harris really want?

Loyal followers of Erasable Pen will know that exactly a year ago we conducted a Reader Challenge almost identical to this one, when Wikipedia Founder Jimmy Wales made his much ballyhooed personal appeal to the masses. Well, this year, Mr. Wales has handed the baton to his programmer Brandon Harris, and once again we're left to wonder what the f*ck these people want.

Instead of following the Wikipedia link to answer this question though, we'd rather hear what you have to say. So, what do YOU think Wikipedia programmer Brandon Harris wants out of this deal? I'll kick things off with my own personal opinion:

I think Brandon Harris wants us to help him complete his collection of Star Wars books from Timothy Zahn's New Jedi Order series.

But that's just my opinion. Now it's time for you to weigh in. Use the comments section to tell us what Wikipedia programmer Brandon Harris is angling for, and we'll use modern science to determine if you're right. Whoever has the most accurate response will win a $25 gift certificate to Sam Goody. OK, ready? Let's do this.

Doritos Late Night Cheeseburger Noir

These streets aren't safe. Maybe they are. But they sure don't feel safe. I should have taken a cab when I had the chance. I wasn't ready though. Sometimes you just need another drink, and some strange company. That was strange alright. And now here I am, stumbling through the dark, trying to remember where everything went wrong.

It's a hard question to answer. I didn't plan on staying out late, but I was hungry. Real hungry. Hungry for what, I'm not sure. I guess I wanted adventure. Yeah, that's it. Adventure. Something out of the ordinary. Like, if my natural instinct was to go home and watch Season 3 of One Tree Hill on Netflix Instant, this time I'd do the complete opposite. So what is it? What's the most outrageous madness I could get into if I really wanted to ignore that little angel perched on my shoulder?

Would I drink myself silly? Yes, that's a start, but there'd have to be something more. Some sort of late night snack I could grab on my way home to really take it over the top. But not an ordinary snack. It'd be like a full meal, but in the form of a tortilla chip. You know? Something I could really pick up and throw down. Like, what if there was a chip that had the flavor of a cheeseburger, straight up. We're talking flame-broiled beef, mayonnaise, sesame seed bun, lettuce, tomato, american cheese, pickles, ketchup, mustard, the works, all right there in a bite-sized triangular chip. And I'd eat a full bag of that sh*t. Not like the little bag that's half full of air. Like a full-on family size bag of cheeseburger chips. And it would be late, real late. Late at night.

What if I could do something like that, just once? I bet that's what I was thinking.

Ridiculous Hollywood Endings: City of Angels

Risk > reward.

OK, let's set up the clip. You've fallen in love with Nicolas Cage (who happens to be kinda creepy, unattractive, and in this movie, already dead). Somehow though, with the help of the NYPD Blue guy, Nic has come back to life just in time for lunch. So you wash some grapes, set the table and then inexplicably decide to pedal your bike 27 miles down Highway 1 to grab a pear. We all know what happens next. Please, sit back and enjoy!

Adventures in Food Packaging: Simply Maize

Finally available at Whole Foods, the traditional breakfast cereal of our native people.

Adventures in Food Packaging: Ruffles Molten Hot Wings

I want to believe this is literally a bag full of wet, messy hot wings. Is that not what they're promising with this image? Close your eyes and imagine yourself popping the bag open, then gently sliding your hand in until you're elbow-deep in molten hot sauce. Now that's a satisfying snack that requires a shower afterwards.

The Bacon Blitz

The Bacon Blitz

Are you ready Steve? Uh-huh
Andy? Yeah
Mick? Okay
Alright fellas - let's go!

Oh it's been getting so hard
Living with the things you do to me
My dreams are getting so strange
I'd like to tell you everything I see

Oh and see a man at the back as a matter of fact
His eyes are as red as the sun
And the girl in the corner let no one ignore her
Cause she thinks she's the passionate one

Oh Yeah! It was like lightning
Everybody was frightning
And the music was soothing
And they all started grooving

CHORUS
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah-Yeah-Yeah
And the man in the back said everyone attack
And it turned into a bacon blitz
And the girl in the corner said boy I want to warn you
It'll turn into a bacon blitz
Bacon blitz, bacon blitz, bacon blitz, bacon blitz

Oh reaching out for something
Touching nothing's all I ever do
Oh I softly call you over
When you appear there's nothing left of you

And the man in the back is ready to crack
As he raises his hands to the sky
And the girl in the corner is everyone's mourner
She could kill you with a wink of her eye

Oh Yeah! It was electric
So perfectly hectic
And the band started leaving
Cause they all stopped breathing

CHORUS Repeat

Guitar Solo

Oh Yeah! It was like lightning
Everybody was frightning
And the music was soothing
And they all started grooving

CHORUS Repeat

It's it's a bacon blitz
It's it's a bacon blitz
It's it's a bacon blitz
Yeah, it's a bacon blitz

Adventures in Food Packaging: Potato Chip Diaper Bags

No need for congratulations, they're just snacks.

Hello friendly readers! Today we're launching a new series called Adventures in Food Packaging. This is where we send our interns out into the grocery wild and they report back to us on the most ridic'lous food packaging currently taking up shelf space.

Our first installment is a real doozy. See that fellow up there with the bags of diapers? That's me, and believe it or not, those AREN'T diapers. It's how they're packaging chips now. Crazy, right? When I'm eating Cool Ranch Doritos I want my focus to be on the unique combination of exotic spices, not visions of some loud-mouthed baby's runny stool. RIDIC'LOUS!

On a somewhat related note, while doing research for this article I came across the following actual items. Please enjoy...

Cute or sad? I encourage you to vote in the comments section below.

Did The Four Tops get their name from the food service industry?

The table that inspired a Motown legend.

A couple nights ago, while waiting for a table at one of our favorite Portland pizza places, Dove Vivi, I was struck by a striking revelation: It's possible, and quite likely, that beloved Motown act The Four Tops got their name not from the fact that there were four people in the group, but rather that one of them was a restaurant host familiar with the term "four-top." You see, we were having problems getting seated in the restaurant because there were four people in our group, and we had to wait for a four-top (in restaurant terminology, a table that seats four) to open up. Doesn't it seem obvious now that a similar restaurant experience inspired The Four Tops to take their now-famous name? I think it's time for a Wikipedia update.

And the winner is...

Well folks, it's time to bring our latest Erasable Pen Reader Challenge to a merciful close. We let this contest run for a couple months, in part because I was too lazy to update the blog, but also because my wife was leading the competition for a while. She'll be the first to tell you that I rarely laugh out loud (LOL) when she speaks, so it would seem somewhat disingenuous for me to hand her the prize. Instead I had to wait for someone else to enter the contest. Thankfully Jill Aki did, and she's our winner!

Rather than just sending Jill the Hickory Farms catalog we had promised as the first-place prize, we decided to go ahead and actually order her something from the catalog. Here's Jill with her haul!


You see, it pays to enter the Erasable Pen Readers Challenge! To recap, we asked our faithful readers to explain what Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales was appealing for in his recent flurry of banner ads. Here's an example of the ads Wales was running:


Jill's winning entry?: "skoal - always there in a pinch"

Yeah, I don't know what it means either. But somebody had to win.