Cheeze N Cracker Crisp - The cereal made with real Wisconsin cheese!

Editor's note: This is the second installment in a 12-part series on sandwich cookies and other assorted sandwich-like snack items.


Remember Cookie Crisp? How 'bout Oreo O's? These were cereals founded on the seemingly delicious premise of cookies floating in milk. Yes, it sounds like a good idea, but I was never all that into it. Probably because I don't have much of a sweet tooth. I'm the type of person who would rather have my birthday candles stuck in meatloaf than sheet cake. I guess you could say I pitch my tent in the savory camp.

So when the time came for me to create my own cereal for home consumption, I thought long and hard about what's missing in the modern cereal aisle. Believe you me, there are a lot of cereals out there. Which makes it all the more remarkable that no one else beat me to this idea. Are you ready? No? How 'bout now? OK, here it is... Cheeze N Cracker Crisp, yes, made with real Wisconsin cheese.

350% calcium daily value per serving.

You know that feeling after you eat some cheese and crackers and all you want is a tall glass of milk to wash it down? It's like you can't have one without the other. And that's what makes Cheeze N Cracker Crisp so perfect. It's what you've always wanted in a cereal. You just didn't know it until now.

It looks like a jack-o-lantern but tastes like a pizza!

I don't know how this flew under my radar, but for the past week, Papa Murphy's has been offering a take-and-bake pizza specially decorated to look just like a jack-o-lantern! Imagine the deliciousness. This is no ordinary pie. With a unique combination of artfully placed pepperonis and black olives, the pizza's mouth-watering face is the spitting image of a carved pumpkin. The resemblance is so remarkable, if I plopped one of these pies on my doorstep I can guarantee the teenage hooligans who live down the street would smash it to pieces. But we don't want that. We want to eat this thing!


Now you better act fast because Papa Murphy's Jack-O-Lantern Pizza Special ends tonight! I'm sorry for the late notice. Hopefully you read this blog in time, because if you miss this opportunity it will be another year before you're able to eat a pizza where the pepperonis are positioned in this exact shape. And believe me, you can taste the difference. Happy Halloween!

The not-so-mysterious demise of Hydrox sandwich cookies

Editor's note: This is the first installment in a 12-part series on sandwich cookies and other assorted sandwich-like snack items.

I often think about what I would do if I owned a functioning time machine. And I'm pretty sure my very first mission would involve traveling back to 1908 to convince the geniuses at Sunshine Biscuits that "HYDROX" is an awful name for a sandwich cookie. Surely you remember Hydrox. They're like Oreos, only better. But sadly, thanks to a name that conjures up images of laundry rooms and Mr. Yuck stickers, Hydrox never stood a chance against it's hotshot rival.


How easy was it for Oreo to waltz in and steal the sandwich cookie crown? Think about it. It's the early 1900s. You're stuffing your face with Hydrox cookies, each bite more delicious than the last, when you realize, "wait a minute, if I could create a sandwich cookie half as tasty as this, but with a catchy name that doesn't sound like something that will burn my skin upon contact, I'd be rich!"

And that's exactly what happened in 1912, when Nabisco introduced the Oreo, a vastly inferior product that remains incredibly popular to this day, almost a full century later. Where's Hydrox? The cookie no longer exists, but if you're ever in the Home & Garden section of Sears, ask for it by name and they'll supply you with a bottle of something sure to keep the slugs off your heirloom tomatoes.

What ever happened to moats?

Remember back in the day when all it took to protect your property was a nice deep moat? Why don’t we use those things anymore? Forget alarms and security cameras. If you really want to safeguard your home, nothing’s more effective than a moat. Trust me, I actually work in the security industry. I know what I’m talking about.

Why, just the other day I was thumbing through the online news when I stumbled upon this remarkable story out of Beijing: “Scrap collector drowns in moat after being chased by community wardens.” Believe it. Moats work. And it seems the folks over in China are already one step ahead of me in bringing them back into vogue.

The thing about moats is, anybody can have one. You just have to be able to dig a ditch. That’s a skill we’re all born with. And if you’re too lazy to dig one yourself, you can always find someone on Craigslist to do it for you.

There’s really no excuse for not having a moat. Think about your home, your family, your candle sticks. Do you want to give intruders free access to walk right in as if they own the place? Nobody’s gonna want to rob you if they know their clothes’ll get wet in the process. These guys may be crooks but they’re not stupid. One look at that moat and they’ll move on down the cul-de-sac to your neighbor’s house, the one that’s not surrounded by a ditch filled with murky water.

Starting to wonder if Thelma & Louise had second thoughts

I don't typically use this space for ranting, and some might argue I don't use this space for much of anything (considering my last post was in May), but please allow me to vent for a moment. It's the ending of Thelma & Louise. It really, really bugs me.

I always felt they should have thought things through a little more before they drove off the cliff. There's a lesson to be learned here, and that is: If you want to be wild and adventurous go skydiving or bungee jumping, or test your luck with Taco Bell's new Volcano Box. Don't grab a friend and say "Hey let's nosedive into the Grand Canyon today."

Introducing the Apple iDetector

Curious where I’ve been hiding the past few months? Turns out I’ve been holed up in the shop working on my latest groundbreaking invention. It’s called the iDetector and it’s scheduled for release in Q3 2009, just in time for summer!

If you haven’t already figured it out from the name, the iDetector combines two of man’s favorite pastimes – listening to music and detecting metal – into one remarkable device. Yeah, it’s a metal detector and an MP3 player. Pretty cool huh?

Now when you’re combing the beach for old bottle caps and hotel room keys you can bust a move to the latest hit singles from Black Eyed Peas and The Decemberists. Best of all, the iDetector comes bundled with a free download of the next U2 album which the band is writing specifically for the iDetector release. Oh hold on, I’m detecting something else here… it’s… ANOTHER GRAMMY for the boys from Dublin!

I know what you’re thinking. All this music is going to distract you from actually detecting any of that precious, precious metal. But don’t worry. While the iDetector can play up to 30,000 continuous songs in shuffle mode, the music drops out in favor of a piercing beep any time you come across potential metallic treasure.

Happy detecting! And, you’re welcome.

Take solace, we have a winner!

It feels like ages since we launched our second Erasable Pen Readers Challenge. Why has it taken so long to announce a winner? Well, we usually like to hand all of our awards to loyal reader Brian Woznicki, but this time his response was way inappropriate. You might remember the challenge was to use the James Bond title "Quantum of Solace" in a plain old everyday sentence. Brian's response, "Is that a Quantum of Solace in your pocket or are you just experiencing an erection?" was completely tasteless. We're not going to condone such behavior by giving Brian any more ink than he deserves, so I won't even mention him in our list of winners this time.

Instead, let's take a look at the people who truly stepped up their game:

In third place we have a voice from the past, Ben Keefe, with... "The test results came back, and as we suspected, it's a quantum of solace."

Finishing in second place is Brad with... "My brother barged into the bathroom and interrupted my quantum of solace."

And the champion? Concrete Tomato with... "擬開賭籌錢 ‧歐犯太歲 好在占運勢
‧翠普賓州小鎮燒出緊急狀態 ‧14州
獎 Quantum of Solace 梅莉史
‧經濟指標大利空山雨欲來 ‧演員工會
‧教宗加恩4主教 掀波"

I think we can all agree this contest wasn't even close. Congratualtions Concrete Tomato! You've won yourself two quantums of solace and that wonderful living room set from SEARS, plus the respect and admiration of Erasable Pen readers around the globe. Way to go!