Saturday, May 25, 2013

Introducing Purell Instant Body Sanitizer

You know when you go out to dinner and somehow end up at one of those wings places? And then you eat a bunch of wings and you just feel like you need to take a shower afterwards? But you're in a restaurant so there's probably no place to actually take a shower? Or how about those times when you ride your bike to work and it's a hot summer day and it's all uphill, and you're wearing slacks and a button-up shirt because you're not quite committed enough to bike riding to actually have a separate outfit for the task? You know those times? And then you arrive at the office and you're just sopping, but also you think it's kind of weird to shower at work, so you're just stuck there feeling sweaty and uncomfortable? And what about those times when you pay a seemingly innocent visit to your sister-in-law's house, but then your adorable niece and nephew want to draw on your face with magic markers and toss a bunch of glitter in your hair, and they probably want to climb all over you too, and you spend the next five hours on edge and running for your life? Once again you find yourself beet red and drenched in sweat and glitter, but not in a position where it makes sense to put the rest of the day on hold to go take a shower. Man, we're really up a creek here, aren't we? Actually, not really. Thanks to my latest invention.

Actual size.

It's called Instant Body Sanitizer. It's like Instant Hand Sanitizer, but in a bigger bottle. Just find a quiet corner, preferably someplace out of sight, strip down, put a few squirts all over your body and lather up. You can get a friend to help you if you want. The key is to make sure you get a decent amount of sanitizer on every inch of your body. Don't worry, it dries fast but you'll want to rub it in. And just like that, you're all fresh and clean and ready to carry on with your business. No shower, no problem. Now that's convenience. Glad I could help.

Friday, May 10, 2013

There’s just something about German manila envelopes

We’ve all taken our share of wild rides on Wikipedia, but how many of yours have landed you here? I won’t go into detail as to how and why I found myself on a page dedicated to the manila envelope (that would bore you more than this blog post likely already will), but it happened, and here we are.

Everything seemed normal...

The thing that first caught my attention (besides learning that the envelopes are traditionally beige but sometimes other colors are used to differentiate categories of files), was the choice of envelopes they selected for the picture. A casual glance shows a pair of humble envelopes that look like the kind you’d use to send interoffice mail. These are, like most manila envelopes, beige in color. They also appear to contain little boxes where presumably you'd write down the intended recipient’s name, perhaps the name of sender and also the date.


This all seemed pretty standard, but then I saw the caption. It reads: “Two manila envelopes from Germany.” My jaw dropped to the floor. I’ve seen regular ol’ manila envelopes before, but I’m quite certain I’ve never seen the ones from Germany. It all felt very surreal, but also super exciting. Like I was sneaking into a museum or something. More than anything I felt blessed by the experience. That by some crazy twist of fate I had stumbled across these German manila envelopes. It was a moment I’ll never forget.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Recommended: Frosty in HD

Great news! CBS is showing Frosty the Snowman this Friday in stunning High Definition. The enhanced version really makes a difference.

Standard Definition:


Friday, August 31, 2012

Loose Meat Mary

What they want you to drink.

These days you can’t shake a beef stick without hitting some highfalutin restaurant that’s spicing up their Bloody Marys with slabs of cured meat. Bacon, prosciutto, salami, all are now popular choices when it comes to Bloody Mary accoutrements. And while it may sound strange, drinkable meat isn’t going away anytime soon.

So I figured I might as well come up with my own recipe, and frankly I’m stunned no one else beat me to the punch on this one. Ladies and gentlemen, dear readers of Erasable Pen, please allow me to introduce you to the Loose Meat Mary.

What I want you to drink.

All the glory of a high-end Bloody Mary, but instead of the usual slab of bacon or prosciutto alongside your celery stalk, mine comes with floating grey pebbles of chewy ground beef.

You’re very welcome.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

The best ham, maybe ever

Well, tomorrow's Easter Sunday and I've chosen my ham. Yeah, I know, I could've gone for the sure thing. But this year I decided to roll the dice. The way I see it, this could be the best ham I'll ever taste. I mean, there is that possibility. At worst it's just another ham. I'm not saying my hopes aren't high, I'm expecting the best. But this ham doesn't owe me anything, you know? Just the prospect that it may be the best. Who knows how things will turn out in the end, but at least there's hope, and isn't that all we can really ask for?

Saturday, February 11, 2012

That guy with the plain grey hat

It's a sunny Wednesday afternoon and man do I look good. So good in fact that I'm just gonna stroll down University Way and see if I can draw the attention of some sumptuous coeds. I've got my blue jeans on, my work boots, v-neck sweater, and to top it all off, my secret weapon - the plain grey ball cap. I'm telling you son, you put on a plain grey hat and the girls just melt.

Oh, here we are, strolling by the student center coffee shop. Check it out. This girl could have any guy on campus, but guess what? I'm the only dude wearing a plain grey hat, and you know what that means. It. Is. On.

I'm just gonna do my thing here. Watch this. I'm not even gonna look at her. I'm just gonna stare straight ahead and keep smiling. She won't soon forget this guy. Just you wait. An hour from now she'll be back at the sorority house describing me and my awesome hat to all her sisters.

Damn it feels good to be a gangsta.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Adventures in Food Packaging: Folgers Motor Oil

Real men buy their coffee at AutoZone.

Have you seen the canisters they're selling Folgers crystals in these days? I don't know what I'm buying anymore. Is it coffee or lubricant for my automobile? Why's everything in life gotta be so confusing?

Hmmm, Rich Pure Taste or Smooth Pour Bottle?

Screw it, I'm goin' with the Synthetic Blend.