Erasable Pen

Cheeze N Cracker Crisp - The cereal made with real Wisconsin cheese!

2009-11-02T23:01:00.000-08:00

Editor's note: This is the second installment in a 12-part series on sandwich cookies and other assorted sandwich-like snack items.

Remember Cookie Crisp? How 'bout Oreo O's? These were cereals founded on the seemingly delicious premise of cookies floating in milk. Yes, it sounds like a good idea, but I was never all that into it. Probably because I don't have much of a sweet tooth. I'm the type of person who would rather have my birthday candles stuck in meatloaf than sheet cake. I guess you could say I pitch my tent in the savory camp.

So when the time came for me to create my own cereal for home consumption, I thought long and hard about what's missing in the modern cereal aisle. Believe you me, there are a lot of cereals out there. Which makes it all the more remarkable that no one else beat me to this idea. Are you ready? No? How 'bout now? OK, here it is... Cheeze N Cracker Crisp, yes, made with real Wisconsin cheese.

350% calcium daily value per serving.

You know that feeling after you eat some cheese and crackers and all you want is a tall glass of milk to wash it down? It's like you can't have one without the other. And that's what makes Cheeze N Cracker Crisp so perfect. It's what you've always wanted in a cereal. You just didn't know it until now.

It looks like a jack-o-lantern but tastes like a pizza!

2009-10-31T14:07:00.000-07:00

I don't know how this flew under my radar, but for the past week, Papa Murphy's has been offering a take-and-bake pizza specially decorated to look just like a jack-o-lantern! Imagine the deliciousness. This is no ordinary pie. With a unique combination of artfully placed pepperonis and black olives, the pizza's mouth-watering face is the spitting image of a carved pumpkin. The resemblance is so remarkable, if I plopped one of these pies on my doorstep I can guarantee the teenage hooligans who live down the street would smash it to pieces. But we don't want that. We want to eat this thing!

Now you better act fast because Papa Murphy's Jack-O-Lantern Pizza Special ends tonight! I'm sorry for the late notice. Hopefully you read this blog in time, because if you miss this opportunity it will be another year before you're able to eat a pizza where the pepperonis are positioned in this exact shape. And believe me, you can taste the difference. Happy Halloween!

The not-so-mysterious demise of Hydrox sandwich cookies

2009-10-21T19:10:00.000-07:00

Editor's note: This is the first installment in a 12-part series on sandwich cookies and other assorted sandwich-like snack items.

I often think about what I would do if I owned a functioning time machine. And I'm pretty sure my very first mission would involve traveling back to 1908 to convince the geniuses at Sunshine Biscuits that "HYDROX" is an awful name for a sandwich cookie. Surely you remember Hydrox. They're like Oreos, only better. But sadly, thanks to a name that conjures up images of laundry rooms and Mr. Yuck stickers, Hydrox never stood a chance against it's hotshot rival.

How easy was it for Oreo to waltz in and steal the sandwich cookie crown? Think about it. It's the early 1900s. You're stuffing your face with Hydrox cookies, each bite more delicious than the last, when you realize, "wait a minute, if I could create a sandwich cookie half as tasty as this, but with a catchy name that doesn't sound like something that will burn my skin upon contact, I'd be rich!"

And that's exactly what happened in 1912, when Nabisco introduced the Oreo, a vastly inferior product that remains incredibly popular to this day, almost a full century later. Where's Hydrox? The cookie no longer exists, but if you're ever in the Home & Garden section of Sears, ask for it by name and they'll supply you with a bottle of something sure to keep the slugs off your heirloom tomatoes.

What ever happened to moats?

2009-10-13T11:19:00.000-07:00

Remember back in the day when all it took to protect your property was a nice deep moat? Why don’t we use those things anymore? Forget alarms and security cameras. If you really want to safeguard your home, nothing’s more effective than a moat. Trust me, I actually work in the security industry. I know what I’m talking about.

Why, just the other day I was thumbing through the online news when I stumbled upon this remarkable story out of Beijing: “Scrap collector drowns in moat after being chased by community wardens.” Believe it. Moats work. And it seems the folks over in China are already one step ahead of me in bringing them back into vogue.

The thing about moats is, anybody can have one. You just have to be able to dig a ditch. That’s a skill we’re all born with. And if you’re too lazy to dig one yourself, you can always find someone on Craigslist to do it for you.

There’s really no excuse for not having a moat. Think about your home, your family, your candle sticks. Do you want to give intruders free access to walk right in as if they own the place? Nobody’s gonna want to rob you if they know their clothes’ll get wet in the process. These guys may be crooks but they’re not stupid. One look at that moat and they’ll move on down the cul-de-sac to your neighbor’s house, the one that’s not surrounded by a ditch filled with murky water.

Starting to wonder if Thelma & Louise had second thoughts

2009-09-12T08:43:00.000-07:00

I don't typically use this space for ranting, and some might argue I don't use this space for much of anything (considering my last post was in May), but please allow me to vent for a moment. It's the ending of Thelma & Louise. It really, really bugs me.

I always felt they should have thought things through a little more before they drove off the cliff. There's a lesson to be learned here, and that is: If you want to be wild and adventurous go skydiving or bungee jumping, or test your luck with Taco Bell's new Volcano Box. Don't grab a friend and say "Hey let's nosedive into the Grand Canyon today."

Introducing the Apple iDetector

2009-05-24T09:38:00.000-07:00

Curious where I’ve been hiding the past few months? Turns out I’ve been holed up in the shop working on my latest groundbreaking invention. It’s called the iDetector and it’s scheduled for release in Q3 2009, just in time for summer!

If you haven’t already figured it out from the name, the iDetector combines two of man’s favorite pastimes – listening to music and detecting metal – into one remarkable device. Yeah, it’s a metal detector and an MP3 player. Pretty cool huh?

Now when you’re combing the beach for old bottle caps and hotel room keys you can bust a move to the latest hit singles from Black Eyed Peas and The Decemberists. Best of all, the iDetector comes bundled with a free download of the next U2 album which the band is writing specifically for the iDetector release. Oh hold on, I’m detecting something else here… it’s… ANOTHER GRAMMY for the boys from Dublin!

I know what you’re thinking. All this music is going to distract you from actually detecting any of that precious, precious metal. But don’t worry. While the iDetector can play up to 30,000 continuous songs in shuffle mode, the music drops out in favor of a piercing beep any time you come across potential metallic treasure.

Happy detecting! And, you’re welcome.

Take solace, we have a winner!

2009-01-27T22:19:00.000-08:00

It feels like ages since we launched our second Erasable Pen Readers Challenge. Why has it taken so long to announce a winner? Well, we usually like to hand all of our awards to loyal reader Brian Woznicki, but this time his response was way inappropriate. You might remember the challenge was to use the James Bond title "Quantum of Solace" in a plain old everyday sentence. Brian's response, "Is that a Quantum of Solace in your pocket or are you just experiencing an erection?" was completely tasteless. We're not going to condone such behavior by giving Brian any more ink than he deserves, so I won't even mention him in our list of winners this time.

Instead, let's take a look at the people who truly stepped up their game:

In third place we have a voice from the past, Ben Keefe, with... "The test results came back, and as we suspected, it's a quantum of solace."

Finishing in second place is Brad with... "My brother barged into the bathroom and interrupted my quantum of solace."

And the champion? Concrete Tomato with... "擬開賭籌錢 ‧歐犯太歲好在占運勢
‧翠普賓州小鎮燒出緊急狀態 ‧14州
獎 Quantum of Solace 梅莉史
‧經濟指標大利空山雨欲來 ‧演員工會
‧教宗加恩4主教掀波"

I think we can all agree this contest wasn't even close. Congratualtions Concrete Tomato! You've won yourself two quantums of solace and that wonderful living room set from SEARS, plus the respect and admiration of Erasable Pen readers around the globe. Way to go!

Reader Challenge: Use the phrase "Quantum of Solace" in an actual sentence

2008-12-03T21:57:00.000-08:00

With the release of the latest James Bond film "Quantum of Solace," we have a super exciting new catch phrase on our hands. You see, "Quantum of Solace" isn't just a brilliant title for a movie, it's also really fun to say, and quite applicable to everyday conversation. I encourage you to give it a try. In fact, let's just go ahead and make this the subject of our second semi-annual Erasable Pen Readers Challenge! Ladies and gentlemen, brothers and sisters, please use the comments section below to showcase the ways you intend to work the phrase "Quantum of Solace" into ordinary speech. Here are some examples off the top of my head to help you get started:

Now if I could just have a quantum of solace, this headache might subside.

Seriously, I’m not asking for much, just a quantum of solace.

Honey, where'd you put the quantum of solace?

Mom’s recipe calls for 2 cups dried cranberries and one quantum of solace, cut into wedges.

Hey, there's still a little quantum of solace left. You wanna lick the spoon?

Now it's your turn. Submit your ideas in the comments section. The winner will receive not one, but two quantums of solace, plus a new living room set courtesy of our friends at SEARS.

Coming to grips with the Beer Glove

2008-10-14T20:29:00.000-07:00

Do you ever wonder what fraternity brothers do after receiving their business degrees? Well, they come up with ideas like this:

More obnoxious than a can coozie, and only slightly more subtle than an oven mitt, the Beer Glove is made of a special polycarbonate fiber that keeps your hand warm while you clutch your favorite beer. To ensure a secure grip, the palm of the Beer Glove features a sticky-tac surface almost identical to that found on the wide receiver gloves Jerry Rice used to haul in 197 touchdown catches during his remarkable 20-year NFL career.

Or maybe it’s just an ordinary glove.

Good friends put their heads together, make cereal

2008-09-03T21:28:00.000-07:00

It's amazing what you can do when you put your mind to it. Take these two good friends for example:

They're retired, probably don't have too many obligations outside of the occasional guided bus tour. But one day, they must have turned to eachother and said, "You know, it's always been a dream of ours to release our very own high-fiber cereal. Life's short. Let's just do it!" And guess what? They did! That just goes to show you folks, don't ever give up on your dreams.

Making the case for plaid crayons

2008-08-04T22:51:00.000-07:00

At a recent Erasable Pen reader picnic, I found myself engaged in the most delightful and enlightening conversation with some of my faithful followers. The topic of our discussion was: Plaid – What is it? Is it a color? Is it an attitude? Is it merely a pattern?

I took the stance that plaid was in fact a color. Not surprisingly, most people agreed with me. But let’s be honest, my readers will pretty much believe anything I say. Later I set out to definitively prove myself right by digging through a Crayola box, but much to my dismay, I was unable to find a plaid crayon.

What, you say? In that entire box of crayons not a single one is dedicated to the color plaid?! Shame on you Crayola. Your oversight is costing kids worldwide the ability to properly fill in their lumberjack and Eddie Vedder coloring books. I propose we all take a moment to write the folks at Crayola, as well as our local government leaders, and demand that plaid be added to the standard crayon lineup without delay, even if that means they have to make some extra room in the box. Who really uses Burnt Sienna anyway?

Illustration courtesy of Antelope Baby Industries.

And the winning toilet seat cover name is...

2008-07-13T23:08:00.000-07:00

Recently, we held our first-ever Erasable Pen Readers' Challenge. The assignment was simple: come up with a new name for a toilet seat cover company.

I'm proud to announce that the winning entry is...

Chester H. McGillicutty's Olde Tyme Ass Mats
~ courtesy of WOZ

Congratulations WOZ! You are a true winner in every sense of the word! I hope you don't mind but we've already stolen your idea and put the ass mats into production.

Thanks to all who submitted ideas. We certainly received some dandies (view them here).

And again, let's all take a moment to congratulate WOZ on his winning submission. Nice one!

Reader Challenge: If you could name a toilet seat cover company, what would it be called?

2008-06-26T21:39:00.000-07:00

I work in a fairly typical office environment, at least for the kind of office that’s located in a business park. We have a nifty access control system, plush grey cubicles, particle board ceilings, and two sets of bathrooms. Now, we all know it’s important to take a break every now and then at work. For the smokers this is easy, but for the non-smokers it can be a little more difficult to come up with ways to relax. I often choose to take some extra time in the bathroom. There’s plenty of good reading material in there, most notably the packaging for the toilet seat covers. For a long while, our office was loyal to a toilet seat cover company with the remarkable name of “Yours Alone.”

But more recently we switched to an upstart outfit called “Rest Assured.” At first I was a bit upset, but then I realized Rest Assured is a pretty amazing name in its own right.

This got me thinking, if I owned a toilet seat cover company, what would I call it? Here are a few quick ideas I came up with:

1. Sit Tight
2. Paper Throne
3. Squat and Deliver
4. It's a Safe Bet Somebody Probably Peed On There TM

Now it’s your turn! Please use the comments section to post your ideas. The winning toilet seat cover name will be featured prominently in a future Erasable Pen blog entry, and its creator will receive a 1-year modeling contract with Clinique along with a full-page photo spread in Seventeen magazine.

Behold the 2008 Special Edition Ronald McDonald Honda Element

2008-06-09T20:45:00.000-07:00

Desperate to light a fire beneath the automobile industry’s sagging SUV sales, Honda has unveiled the latest entry to its fleet of all-terrain vehicles – The 2008 Special Edition Ronald McDonald Element.

Starting at $20,990, the Ronald boasts real-time 4-wheel drive, a powerful i-VTEC engine, an innovative Drive-by-Wire TM throttle system, and optional super-sized cup holders. Each Ronald McDonald Element also includes your choice of five Kung Fu Panda action figures.

Great Moments in Food Photography: Nan's French Fondue

2008-05-20T22:25:00.000-07:00

While flipping through my favorite cookbook the other day - Egg and Cheese Spaghetti and Rice Dishes - I came across this drool-inducing image.

Doesn't that look good? I bet it really sticks to your bones. Well, as a special treat I've decided to share the recipe with you, my loyal readers. Enjoy!

Nan's French Fondue

1-1/2 long loaves French Bread
1/2 cup butter, margarine, or Country Crock
1/2 cup sharp prepared mustard
1-1/2 lb. sharp natural or process cheddar cheese, slice 1/4-inch thick
4 eggs, well beaten
5 cups milk, hot
1-1/2 teasp. Worcestershire
1/8 teasp. cayenne
1/4 teasp. paprika

1. Day before: Slice French bread into 1/2-inch slices; spread generously with butter and mustard.
2. In 4-qt. casserole, alternate layers of bread and cheese slices to fill casserole.
3. Combine eggs, milk, Worcestershire, salt, and cayenne. Pour over bread and cheese layers. Sprinkle top with paprika. Refrigerate, covered, until next day.
4. About 1-3/4 hours before serving: Start heating oven to 350-degrees F. Bake fondue, uncovered, 1-1/2 hours.

Makes 8 servings (though you'll be hard-pressed not to eat the whole thing in one sitting).

What's wrong with this picture? Brooks & Dunn make the cover of Country Magazine, creep out reader

2008-05-06T20:01:00.000-07:00

Longtime reader Aaron Semer stopped by the Erasable Pen offices recently to drop off this thought-provoking issue of Country Magazine.

The cover of the periodical – which was found on an end table inside Seattle's Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center – disturbed Aaron greatly, but he wasn't exactly sure why, so he decided to hand it over to us for further inspection.

This turned out to be a wise move, as it took our experts just under three hours to determine the real problem with the magazine's cover.

If you take a close look at Ronnie Dunn (the charming fellow on the left), you'll notice his beard is completely disproportionate to his hair. In fact, they're of two distinctly different follicular genres.

Dunn's unfortunate condition is the direct result of improper management of the Norelco Maverick Beard Trimmer. You see, he clearly has his Maverick locked in on the number 7 setting. Any knowledgeable beard groomer knows that this is too high of a setting, thus too thick of a beard to accompany such a slick, well-coifed hairstyle. The beard is too long, too unkempt, and quite honestly, too masculine. A lower setting, say a 3 or a 4, would streamline the beard, making it far more apropos for his overall look, and far less disturbing.

Aside from that, we found nothing wrong with this cover photo.

Nor did we take issue with the following ads, discovered on the back pages of the same magazine...

German scientists invent scented text messages - Could downloadable food be next?

2008-05-02T17:45:00.000-07:00

It was reported this week that two German companies have patented the technology for sending scented text messages via cell phone. So like, you know, you could send someone the smell of a rose (as an expression of love), or the ocean (if you're standing on the beach staring at the sea), or the aroma of the urinal biscuits at your local dive bar (if you've spent the night out drinking alone and want to share the experience with your friend who stood you up).

Don't believe me? See story here: www.thelocal.de/11619/

While your first reaction to this news is likely, "JIGGA WHAAAA????!!!," your second reaction should be, "hey didn't Dan Lurie (of Erasable Pen fame) come up with a similar idea years ago? Something involving emailing food, or something?"

Yes, that's right. Not long after the advent of electronic mail, and the internet, I started thinking about how glorious it would be if you could instantly access a snack, or even a full meal of food, with the click of a mouse.

This idea of using computers to prepare food was also partly inspired by the fact that the George Foreman Grill looked a heckuva lot like an iMac.

The gist of my notion centered on the concept of sending food as an email attachment, or downloading your favorite dish just as you would an MP3. I shared this idea with a number of friends and colleagues but it never really went anywhere. The technology didn't exist yet (or so everyone thought), and, to be honest, I'm not so sure the world was ready for my idea.

But now that it's possible for us to send and receive smells on our cell phones, my concept can no longer be considered "far-fetched." Mark my words. Within months, you will be able to use your computer, or Palm Pilot, to instantaneously download a fried-bologna sandwich, either using bit torrent or some other newfangled file-sharing program.

Soon you will be able to access this sandwich from your home computer.

The saddest thing about all of this is I'm sure someone else has already patented my idea by now. So instead of being able to take credit for its brilliance, I will simply have to enjoy the delicious convenience of downloadable food like all the rest of you average citizens.

Introducing the McGrillers Salad

2008-04-29T17:53:00.000-07:00

I've had some pretty brilliant ideas lately.

Check this out.

You know how everyone loves those grill marks on the Burger King Whopper? Well, what if there was an even healthier alternative to the flame-broiled hamburger that retained the aesthetically pleasing grill marks?

Allow me to introduce you to the McGrillers Salad.

Vanessa Rehder of Antelope Baby Industries was kind enough to put together this illustration of my vision.

Notice the grill marks on the lettuce leaves? Those tasty streaks lock in the flavor, and ensure that your salad is grilled, not fried. I'm thinking there could also be a version with bacon for the truly health-conscious.

The McGrillers Salad. I'm lovin' it!

BACON CHALUPA GUY UPDATE: Reader weighs in on Rusty Joiner, Tony Sirico, and the battle for acting's greatest prize

2008-04-28T12:14:00.001-07:00

While sorting through my pile of fan mail over the weekend, I came across a timely letter from faithful Erasable Pen reader Brian Woznicki.

Brian writes...

"god bless you for making aware, and moreover, giving propers to, the brilliance of Rusty Joiner's now-legendary performance in the Taco Bell Bacon Chalupa Spot. But, don't go handing out that Oscar just yet, as my vote is for the disgusted/disdainful reaction shot courtesy of Tony Sirico in the newest Denny's commercial in which he ties a competitor's restaurant sign to the back of his car and rips it off the sign post. Said reaction shot comes after Sirico asks an employee if the image on the sign is a grand slam breakfast. The employee says "no," and Tony shoots daggers with a smirk so potent it actually made me consider eating at Denny's."

Forgive me Brian. I realize this was a huge oversight on my part. Tony Sirico, while clearly nothing more than a poor man's Rusty Joiner, does indeed kill it in this Denny's ad.

Folks at home, take a look:

Color me impressed. From now on I'll think twice before I start handing out awards willy nilly.

And the Oscar should go to... that dude from the Taco Bell Bacon Club Chalupa commercial

2008-04-25T20:56:00.000-07:00

2007 was a great year for actors on both the big and the small screen. We witnessed standout performances by Daniel Day-Lewis in There Will Be Blood, Javier Bardem in No Country for Old Men, and Charlie Sheen in the 14th season of Two and a Half Men. But 2008 is shaping up to be even better, and this year's finest acting exhibition, without a doubt, comes courtesy of that dude in the Taco Bell Bacon Club Chalupa ad. You know the one: girls saddle up to the bar, pull out a purse with a Bacon Club Chalupa TM inside, three dudes gravitate towards its delicious aroma, and then this happens...

"What is that you're wearing? It's, it's, it's intoxicating."

Don't know what I'm talking about? Check out this clip:

I was so blown away by the brilliant delivery of the "intoxicating" line that I had to hunt down the actor responsible. Two things became abundantly clear during my extensive research:

The Internet is an amazing tool.
There are plenty of people out there who are as bored as I am.

After a quick google search for "that dude from the bacon chalupa ad," it was only a matter of minutes before my question was answered. It seems this guy is the talk of the NET. Discussion groups and user forums all across the world wide web have been working for weeks to track down his identity.

So who is this fantastic actor?

Answer: Rusty Joiner.

I know. I didn't believe it at first either. But when I closed my eyes and courageously followed the link provided by a Yahoo Answers discussion about Rusty, it led me not to a porn site, but rather to his Internet Movie Database page. Photos like this one proved that Rusty Joiner is a real person, and the amazing actor in the Bacon Club Chalupa ad. Mystery solved.