What ever happened to moats?

Remember back in the day when all it took to protect your property was a nice deep moat? Why don’t we use those things anymore? Forget alarms and security cameras. If you really want to safeguard your home, nothing’s more effective than a moat. Trust me, I actually work in the security industry. I know what I’m talking about.

Why, just the other day I was thumbing through the online news when I stumbled upon this remarkable story out of Beijing: “Scrap collector drowns in moat after being chased by community wardens.” Believe it. Moats work. And it seems the folks over in China are already one step ahead of me in bringing them back into vogue.

The thing about moats is, anybody can have one. You just have to be able to dig a ditch. That’s a skill we’re all born with. And if you’re too lazy to dig one yourself, you can always find someone on Craigslist to do it for you.

There’s really no excuse for not having a moat. Think about your home, your family, your candle sticks. Do you want to give intruders free access to walk right in as if they own the place? Nobody’s gonna want to rob you if they know their clothes’ll get wet in the process. These guys may be crooks but they’re not stupid. One look at that moat and they’ll move on down the cul-de-sac to your neighbor’s house, the one that’s not surrounded by a ditch filled with murky water.

Starting to wonder if Thelma & Louise had second thoughts

I don't typically use this space for ranting, and some might argue I don't use this space for much of anything (considering my last post was in May), but please allow me to vent for a moment. It's the ending of Thelma & Louise. It really, really bugs me.

I always felt they should have thought things through a little more before they drove off the cliff. There's a lesson to be learned here, and that is: If you want to be wild and adventurous go skydiving or bungee jumping, or test your luck with Taco Bell's new Volcano Box. Don't grab a friend and say "Hey let's nosedive into the Grand Canyon today."

Introducing the Apple iDetector

Curious where I’ve been hiding the past few months? Turns out I’ve been holed up in the shop working on my latest groundbreaking invention. It’s called the iDetector and it’s scheduled for release in Q3 2009, just in time for summer!

If you haven’t already figured it out from the name, the iDetector combines two of man’s favorite pastimes – listening to music and detecting metal – into one remarkable device. Yeah, it’s a metal detector and an MP3 player. Pretty cool huh?

Now when you’re combing the beach for old bottle caps and hotel room keys you can bust a move to the latest hit singles from Black Eyed Peas and The Decemberists. Best of all, the iDetector comes bundled with a free download of the next U2 album which the band is writing specifically for the iDetector release. Oh hold on, I’m detecting something else here… it’s… ANOTHER GRAMMY for the boys from Dublin!

I know what you’re thinking. All this music is going to distract you from actually detecting any of that precious, precious metal. But don’t worry. While the iDetector can play up to 30,000 continuous songs in shuffle mode, the music drops out in favor of a piercing beep any time you come across potential metallic treasure.

Happy detecting! And, you’re welcome.

Take solace, we have a winner!

It feels like ages since we launched our second Erasable Pen Readers Challenge. Why has it taken so long to announce a winner? Well, we usually like to hand all of our awards to loyal reader Brian Woznicki, but this time his response was way inappropriate. You might remember the challenge was to use the James Bond title "Quantum of Solace" in a plain old everyday sentence. Brian's response, "Is that a Quantum of Solace in your pocket or are you just experiencing an erection?" was completely tasteless. We're not going to condone such behavior by giving Brian any more ink than he deserves, so I won't even mention him in our list of winners this time.

Instead, let's take a look at the people who truly stepped up their game:

In third place we have a voice from the past, Ben Keefe, with... "The test results came back, and as we suspected, it's a quantum of solace."

Finishing in second place is Brad with... "My brother barged into the bathroom and interrupted my quantum of solace."

And the champion? Concrete Tomato with... "擬開賭籌錢 ‧歐犯太歲 好在占運勢
‧翠普賓州小鎮燒出緊急狀態 ‧14州
獎 Quantum of Solace 梅莉史
‧經濟指標大利空山雨欲來 ‧演員工會
‧教宗加恩4主教 掀波"

I think we can all agree this contest wasn't even close. Congratualtions Concrete Tomato! You've won yourself two quantums of solace and that wonderful living room set from SEARS, plus the respect and admiration of Erasable Pen readers around the globe. Way to go!

Reader Challenge: Use the phrase "Quantum of Solace" in an actual sentence

With the release of the latest James Bond film "Quantum of Solace," we have a super exciting new catch phrase on our hands. You see, "Quantum of Solace" isn't just a brilliant title for a movie, it's also really fun to say, and quite applicable to everyday conversation. I encourage you to give it a try. In fact, let's just go ahead and make this the subject of our second semi-annual Erasable Pen Readers Challenge! Ladies and gentlemen, brothers and sisters, please use the comments section below to showcase the ways you intend to work the phrase "Quantum of Solace" into ordinary speech. Here are some examples off the top of my head to help you get started:

• Now if I could just have a quantum of solace, this headache might subside.

• Seriously, I’m not asking for much, just a quantum of solace.

• Honey, where'd you put the quantum of solace?

• Mom’s recipe calls for 2 cups dried cranberries and one quantum of solace, cut into wedges.

• Hey, there's still a little quantum of solace left. You wanna lick the spoon?

Now it's your turn. Submit your ideas in the comments section. The winner will receive not one, but two quantums of solace, plus a new living room set courtesy of our friends at SEARS.

Coming to grips with the Beer Glove

Do you ever wonder what fraternity brothers do after receiving their business degrees? Well, they come up with ideas like this:


More obnoxious than a can coozie, and only slightly more subtle than an oven mitt, the Beer Glove is made of a special polycarbonate fiber that keeps your hand warm while you clutch your favorite beer. To ensure a secure grip, the palm of the Beer Glove features a sticky-tac surface almost identical to that found on the wide receiver gloves Jerry Rice used to haul in 197 touchdown catches during his remarkable 20-year NFL career.

Or maybe it’s just an ordinary glove.

Good friends put their heads together, make cereal

It's amazing what you can do when you put your mind to it. Take these two good friends for example:

They're retired, probably don't have too many obligations outside of the occasional guided bus tour. But one day, they must have turned to eachother and said, "You know, it's always been a dream of ours to release our very own high-fiber cereal. Life's short. Let's just do it!" And guess what? They did! That just goes to show you folks, don't ever give up on your dreams.