Introducing Purell Instant Body Sanitizer

You know when you go out to dinner and somehow end up at one of those wings places? And then you eat a bunch of wings and you just feel like you need to take a shower afterwards? But you're in a restaurant so there's probably no place to actually take a shower? Or how about those times when you ride your bike to work and it's a hot summer day and it's all uphill, and you're wearing slacks and a button-up shirt because you're not quite committed enough to bike riding to actually have a separate outfit for the task? You know those times? And then you arrive at the office and you're just sopping, but also you think it's kind of weird to shower at work, so you're just stuck there feeling sweaty and uncomfortable? And what about those times when you pay a seemingly innocent visit to your sister-in-law's house, but then your adorable niece and nephew want to draw on your face with magic markers and toss a bunch of glitter in your hair, and they probably want to climb all over you too, and you spend the next five hours on edge and running for your life? Once again you find yourself beet red and drenched in sweat and glitter, but not in a position where it makes sense to put the rest of the day on hold to go take a shower. Man, we're really up a creek here, aren't we? Actually, not really. Thanks to my latest invention.

Actual size.

It's called Instant Body Sanitizer. It's like Instant Hand Sanitizer, but in a bigger bottle. Just find a quiet corner, preferably someplace out of sight, strip down, put a few squirts all over your body and lather up. You can get a friend to help you if you want. The key is to make sure you get a decent amount of sanitizer on every inch of your body. Don't worry, it dries fast but you'll want to rub it in. And just like that, you're all fresh and clean and ready to carry on with your business. No shower, no problem. Now that's convenience. Glad I could help.

There’s just something about German manila envelopes

We’ve all taken our share of wild rides on Wikipedia, but how many of yours have landed you here? I won’t go into detail as to how and why I found myself on a page dedicated to the manila envelope (that would bore you more than this blog post likely already will), but it happened, and here we are.

Everything seemed normal...

The thing that first caught my attention (besides learning that the envelopes are traditionally beige but sometimes other colors are used to differentiate categories of files), was the choice of envelopes they selected for the picture. A casual glance shows a pair of humble envelopes that look like the kind you’d use to send interoffice mail. These are, like most manila envelopes, beige in color. They also appear to contain little boxes where presumably you'd write down the intended recipient’s name, perhaps the name of sender and also the date.

until...

This all seemed pretty standard, but then I saw the caption. It reads: “Two manila envelopes from Germany.” My jaw dropped to the floor. I’ve seen regular ol’ manila envelopes before, but I’m quite certain I’ve never seen the ones from Germany. It all felt very surreal, but also super exciting. Like I was sneaking into a museum or something. More than anything I felt blessed by the experience. That by some crazy twist of fate I had stumbled across these German manila envelopes. It was a moment I’ll never forget.

Recommended: Frosty in HD

Great news! CBS is showing Frosty the Snowman this Friday in stunning High Definition. The enhanced version really makes a difference.

Standard Definition:

HD:

Loose Meat Mary

What they want you to drink.

These days you can’t shake a beef stick without hitting some highfalutin restaurant that’s spicing up their Bloody Marys with slabs of cured meat. Bacon, prosciutto, salami, all are now popular choices when it comes to Bloody Mary accoutrements. And while it may sound strange, drinkable meat isn’t going away anytime soon.

So I figured I might as well come up with my own recipe, and frankly I’m stunned no one else beat me to the punch on this one. Ladies and gentlemen, dear readers of Erasable Pen, please allow me to introduce you to the Loose Meat Mary.

What I want you to drink.

All the glory of a high-end Bloody Mary, but instead of the usual slab of bacon or prosciutto alongside your celery stalk, mine comes with floating grey pebbles of chewy ground beef.

You’re very welcome.

The best ham, maybe ever

Well, tomorrow's Easter Sunday and I've chosen my ham. Yeah, I know, I could've gone for the sure thing. But this year I decided to roll the dice. The way I see it, this could be the best ham I'll ever taste. I mean, there is that possibility. At worst it's just another ham. I'm not saying my hopes aren't high, I'm expecting the best. But this ham doesn't owe me anything, you know? Just the prospect that it may be the best. Who knows how things will turn out in the end, but at least there's hope, and isn't that all we can really ask for?

That guy with the plain grey hat

It's a sunny Wednesday afternoon and man do I look good. So good in fact that I'm just gonna stroll down University Way and see if I can draw the attention of some sumptuous coeds. I've got my blue jeans on, my work boots, v-neck sweater, and to top it all off, my secret weapon - the plain grey ball cap. I'm telling you son, you put on a plain grey hat and the girls just melt.

Oh, here we are, strolling by the student center coffee shop. Check it out. This girl could have any guy on campus, but guess what? I'm the only dude wearing a plain grey hat, and you know what that means. It. Is. On.

I'm just gonna do my thing here. Watch this. I'm not even gonna look at her. I'm just gonna stare straight ahead and keep smiling. She won't soon forget this guy. Just you wait. An hour from now she'll be back at the sorority house describing me and my awesome hat to all her sisters.

Damn it feels good to be a gangsta.

Adventures in Food Packaging: Folgers Motor Oil

Real men buy their coffee at AutoZone.

Have you seen the canisters they're selling Folgers crystals in these days? I don't know what I'm buying anymore. Is it coffee or lubricant for my automobile? Why's everything in life gotta be so confusing?

Hmmm, Rich Pure Taste or Smooth Pour Bottle?

Screw it, I'm goin' with the Synthetic Blend.

We have a winner!

Last week as part of our highly popular Reader Challenge series, we asked the Erasable Pen faithful to help us answer a very difficult question: What on earth does Wikipedia programmer Brandon Harris Want?

The results are in and I'm pleased to announce there's a winner amongst us! Drum roll please...

It's our old friend Concrete Tomato! Here's CT's response:

Legs

That's a winning response if I've ever seen one. I mean, just think about it. Congratulations CT! You're now the proud owner of a $25 Sam Goody gift card. Good luck using it.

Before we all move on with our lives I'd also like to give props to our runner-up, Aaron, who fell just short of victory. Aaron's answer?

Oh! So close! Keep your chin up son. There's always next time.

Reader Challenge: What does Wikipedia programmer Brandon Harris really want?

Loyal followers of Erasable Pen will know that exactly a year ago we conducted a Reader Challenge almost identical to this one, when Wikipedia Founder Jimmy Wales made his much ballyhooed personal appeal to the masses. Well, this year, Mr. Wales has handed the baton to his programmer Brandon Harris, and once again we're left to wonder what the f*ck these people want.

Instead of following the Wikipedia link to answer this question though, we'd rather hear what you have to say. So, what do YOU think Wikipedia programmer Brandon Harris wants out of this deal? I'll kick things off with my own personal opinion:

I think Brandon Harris wants us to help him complete his collection of Star Wars books from Timothy Zahn's New Jedi Order series.

But that's just my opinion. Now it's time for you to weigh in. Use the comments section to tell us what Wikipedia programmer Brandon Harris is angling for, and we'll use modern science to determine if you're right. Whoever has the most accurate response will win a $25 gift certificate to Sam Goody. OK, ready? Let's do this.

Doritos Late Night Cheeseburger Noir

These streets aren't safe. Maybe they are. But they sure don't feel safe. I should have taken a cab when I had the chance. I wasn't ready though. Sometimes you just need another drink, and some strange company. That was strange alright. And now here I am, stumbling through the dark, trying to remember where everything went wrong.

It's a hard question to answer. I didn't plan on staying out late, but I was hungry. Real hungry. Hungry for what, I'm not sure. I guess I wanted adventure. Yeah, that's it. Adventure. Something out of the ordinary. Like, if my natural instinct was to go home and watch Season 3 of One Tree Hill on Netflix Instant, this time I'd do the complete opposite. So what is it? What's the most outrageous madness I could get into if I really wanted to ignore that little angel perched on my shoulder?

Would I drink myself silly? Yes, that's a start, but there'd have to be something more. Some sort of late night snack I could grab on my way home to really take it over the top. But not an ordinary snack. It'd be like a full meal, but in the form of a tortilla chip. You know? Something I could really pick up and throw down. Like, what if there was a chip that had the flavor of a cheeseburger, straight up. We're talking flame-broiled beef, mayonnaise, sesame seed bun, lettuce, tomato, american cheese, pickles, ketchup, mustard, the works, all right there in a bite-sized triangular chip. And I'd eat a full bag of that sh*t. Not like the little bag that's half full of air. Like a full-on family size bag of cheeseburger chips. And it would be late, real late. Late at night.

What if I could do something like that, just once? I bet that's what I was thinking.

Ridiculous Hollywood Endings: City of Angels

Risk > reward.

OK, let's set up the clip. You've fallen in love with Nicolas Cage (who happens to be kinda creepy, unattractive, and in this movie, already dead). Somehow though, with the help of the NYPD Blue guy, Nic has come back to life just in time for lunch. So you wash some grapes, set the table and then inexplicably decide to pedal your bike 27 miles down Highway 1 to grab a pear. We all know what happens next. Please, sit back and enjoy!

Adventures in Food Packaging: Simply Maize

Finally available at Whole Foods, the traditional breakfast cereal of our native people.

Adventures in Food Packaging: Ruffles Molten Hot Wings

I want to believe this is literally a bag full of wet, messy hot wings. Is that not what they're promising with this image? Close your eyes and imagine yourself popping the bag open, then gently sliding your hand in until you're elbow-deep in molten hot sauce. Now that's a satisfying snack that requires a shower afterwards.

The Bacon Blitz

The Bacon Blitz

Are you ready Steve? Uh-huh
Andy? Yeah
Mick? Okay
Alright fellas - let's go!

Oh it's been getting so hard
Living with the things you do to me
My dreams are getting so strange
I'd like to tell you everything I see

Oh and see a man at the back as a matter of fact
His eyes are as red as the sun
And the girl in the corner let no one ignore her
Cause she thinks she's the passionate one

Oh Yeah! It was like lightning
Everybody was frightning
And the music was soothing
And they all started grooving

CHORUS
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah-Yeah-Yeah
And the man in the back said everyone attack
And it turned into a bacon blitz
And the girl in the corner said boy I want to warn you
It'll turn into a bacon blitz
Bacon blitz, bacon blitz, bacon blitz, bacon blitz

Oh reaching out for something
Touching nothing's all I ever do
Oh I softly call you over
When you appear there's nothing left of you

And the man in the back is ready to crack
As he raises his hands to the sky
And the girl in the corner is everyone's mourner
She could kill you with a wink of her eye

Oh Yeah! It was electric
So perfectly hectic
And the band started leaving
Cause they all stopped breathing

CHORUS Repeat

Guitar Solo

Oh Yeah! It was like lightning
Everybody was frightning
And the music was soothing
And they all started grooving

CHORUS Repeat

It's it's a bacon blitz
It's it's a bacon blitz
It's it's a bacon blitz
Yeah, it's a bacon blitz

Adventures in Food Packaging: Potato Chip Diaper Bags

No need for congratulations, they're just snacks.

Hello friendly readers! Today we're launching a new series called Adventures in Food Packaging. This is where we send our interns out into the grocery wild and they report back to us on the most ridic'lous food packaging currently taking up shelf space.

Our first installment is a real doozy. See that fellow up there with the bags of diapers? That's me, and believe it or not, those AREN'T diapers. It's how they're packaging chips now. Crazy, right? When I'm eating Cool Ranch Doritos I want my focus to be on the unique combination of exotic spices, not visions of some loud-mouthed baby's runny stool. RIDIC'LOUS!

On a somewhat related note, while doing research for this article I came across the following actual items. Please enjoy...

Cute or sad? I encourage you to vote in the comments section below.

Did The Four Tops get their name from the food service industry?

The table that inspired a Motown legend.

A couple nights ago, while waiting for a table at one of our favorite Portland pizza places, Dove Vivi, I was struck by a striking revelation: It's possible, and quite likely, that beloved Motown act The Four Tops got their name not from the fact that there were four people in the group, but rather that one of them was a restaurant host familiar with the term "four-top." You see, we were having problems getting seated in the restaurant because there were four people in our group, and we had to wait for a four-top (in restaurant terminology, a table that seats four) to open up. Doesn't it seem obvious now that a similar restaurant experience inspired The Four Tops to take their now-famous name? I think it's time for a Wikipedia update.

And the winner is...

Well folks, it's time to bring our latest Erasable Pen Reader Challenge to a merciful close. We let this contest run for a couple months, in part because I was too lazy to update the blog, but also because my wife was leading the competition for a while. She'll be the first to tell you that I rarely laugh out loud (LOL) when she speaks, so it would seem somewhat disingenuous for me to hand her the prize. Instead I had to wait for someone else to enter the contest. Thankfully Jill Aki did, and she's our winner!

Rather than just sending Jill the Hickory Farms catalog we had promised as the first-place prize, we decided to go ahead and actually order her something from the catalog. Here's Jill with her haul!


You see, it pays to enter the Erasable Pen Readers Challenge! To recap, we asked our faithful readers to explain what Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales was appealing for in his recent flurry of banner ads. Here's an example of the ads Wales was running:


Jill's winning entry?: "skoal - always there in a pinch"

Yeah, I don't know what it means either. But somebody had to win.

Reader Challenge: What does Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales really want?

If you've spent any time on Wikipedia lately, you're probably quite familiar with these perfectly-lit photographs of the site's founder Jimmy Wales. Jimmy is making a personal appeal to us, but from the look of these images it's hard to know what exactly he wants. Thankfully, that's what Erasable Pen Reader Challenges are for! What do YOU think Jimmy wants? Please provide your answers in the comments section, preferably in the voice of Jimmy Wales. The winner will receive a free copy of the 2010 Hickory Farms catalog.

To get things started, here's what I think might be on Jimmy's mind:

Do you think I'd make a good high school health teacher?
Please say yes.

I'm thinking of starting a Radiohead cover band.
Is it OK if we practice in your basement?

The mathematical impossibilities of How I Met Your Mother

When you own an outdated television set that only picks up three channels, every show gets placed under the microscope. This week I've decided to direct my gaze at How I Met Your Mother. And by "direct my gaze" I mean recognize that the show exists and pass judgment without having ever seen it.

So let's get started! OK, well, from what I can gather this show is all about a father sitting down and telling his children the story of how he met their mother. As he's recounting this story at their bedside, actors recreate momentous scenes from the courtship on screen. Unfortunately this seemingly innocent premise has a tremendous flaw: It's not sustainable. Think about it, this show is mathematically impossible.

Let me explain. So How I Met My Mother is in, what, its 7th season now? Say there are, oh I don't know, 20 episodes per season, and each episode is 30 minutes long. So that means each season technically covers 10 hours. Multiply that by 7 seasons and now we're talking about 70 hours of show all together. 70 hours! That's a seriously epic bedtime story this father is telling his kids. Are you picking up what I'm putting down?! At this point, the father in How I Met Your Mother has literally kept his kids up for 70 straight hours telling this story! Who can sustain a story for that long? Bill Cosby? Maybe? I'm pretty sure Bill Cosby is not the narrator in How I Met Your Mother, and even if he was I still doubt the kids would stay awake for the entire story. Yeah, no, this show just doesn't add up. Sorry folks. I ain't buyin' it.

The sleeping arrangement in Medium

Anybody seen this show Medium? I don't get it. I mean, I understand the lady with the bangs has special powers that allow her to talk to dead people and solve mysteries in her sleep. Seems reasonable enough. What I don't get is why her husband puts up with her waking him up every night to tell him about her dreams. If I'm him I'm thinking "Seriously? It's 3 am and you're going to wake me up so I can listen to you yammer on about some freaky dream? Every single night of our now 12-year marriage?"

Things are so bad, dude doesn't even bother putting on his PJs anymore.

Sure, he'll complain a little bit. But then the next night it just happens again and nothing ever changes. Here's an idea. Buy your wife a moleskin notebook and tell her to write down her dreams rather than rudely shaking you awake every night. That way she can get everything down on paper and wait 'til breakfast to tell you about it. I guarantee her stories will be more enjoyable when you have a bowl of cereal and a sports page in front of you.