Erasable Pen

That guy with the plain grey hat

2012-02-11T17:15:00.000-08:00

It's a sunny Wednesday afternoon and man do I look good. So good in fact that I'm just gonna stroll down University Way and see if I can draw the attention of some sumptuous coeds. I've got my blue jeans on, my work boots, v-neck sweater, and to top it all off, my secret weapon - the plain grey ball cap. I'm telling you son, you put on a plain grey hat and the girls just melt.

Oh, here we are, strolling by the student center coffee shop. Check it out. This girl could have any guy on campus, but guess what? I'm the only dude wearing a plain grey hat, and you know what that means. It. Is. On.

I'm just gonna do my thing here. Watch this. I'm not even gonna look at her. I'm just gonna stare straight ahead and keep smiling. She won't soon forget this guy. Just you wait. An hour from now she'll be back at the sorority house describing me and my awesome hat to all her sisters.

Damn it feels good to be a gangsta.

Adventures in Food Packaging: Folgers Motor Oil

2011-12-16T00:11:00.000-08:00

Real men buy their coffee at AutoZone.

Have you seen the canisters they're selling Folgers crystals in these days? I don't know what I'm buying anymore. Is it coffee or lubricant for my automobile? Why's everything in life gotta be so confusing?

Hmmm, Rich Pure Taste or Smooth Pour Bottle?

Screw it, I'm goin' with the Synthetic Blend.

We have a winner!

2011-12-09T21:39:00.000-08:00

Last week as part of our highly popular Reader Challenge series, we asked the Erasable Pen faithful to help us answer a very difficult question: What on earth does Wikipedia programmer Brandon Harris Want?

The results are in and I'm pleased to announce there's a winner amongst us! Drum roll please...

It's our old friend Concrete Tomato! Here's CT's response:

Legs

That's a winning response if I've ever seen one. I mean, just think about it. Congratulations CT! You're now the proud owner of a $25 Sam Goody gift card. Good luck using it.

Before we all move on with our lives I'd also like to give props to our runner-up, Aaron, who fell just short of victory. Aaron's answer?

Oh! So close! Keep your chin up son. There's always next time.

Reader Challenge: What does Wikipedia programmer Brandon Harris really want?

2011-11-24T00:40:00.000-08:00

Loyal followers of Erasable Pen will know that exactly a year ago we conducted a Reader Challenge almost identical to this one, when Wikipedia Founder Jimmy Wales made his much ballyhooed personal appeal to the masses. Well, this year, Mr. Wales has handed the baton to his programmer Brandon Harris, and once again we're left to wonder what the f*ck these people want.

Instead of following the Wikipedia link to answer this question though, we'd rather hear what you have to say. So, what do YOU think Wikipedia programmer Brandon Harris wants out of this deal? I'll kick things off with my own personal opinion:

I think Brandon Harris wants us to help him complete his collection of Star Wars books from Timothy Zahn's New Jedi Order series.

But that's just my opinion. Now it's time for you to weigh in. Use the comments section to tell us what Wikipedia programmer Brandon Harris is angling for, and we'll use modern science to determine if you're right. Whoever has the most accurate response will win a $25 gift certificate to Sam Goody. OK, ready? Let's do this.

Doritos Late Night Cheeseburger Noir

2011-11-18T18:30:00.000-08:00

These streets aren't safe. Maybe they are. But they sure don't feel safe. I should have taken a cab when I had the chance. I wasn't ready though. Sometimes you just need another drink, and some strange company. That was strange alright. And now here I am, stumbling through the dark, trying to remember where everything went wrong.

It's a hard question to answer. I didn't plan on staying out late, but I was hungry. Real hungry. Hungry for what, I'm not sure. I guess I wanted adventure. Yeah, that's it. Adventure. Something out of the ordinary. Like, if my natural instinct was to go home and watch Season 3 of One Tree Hill on Netflix Instant, this time I'd do the complete opposite. So what is it? What's the most outrageous madness I could get into if I really wanted to ignore that little angel perched on my shoulder?

Would I drink myself silly? Yes, that's a start, but there'd have to be something more. Some sort of late night snack I could grab on my way home to really take it over the top. But not an ordinary snack. It'd be like a full meal, but in the form of a tortilla chip. You know? Something I could really pick up and throw down. Like, what if there was a chip that had the flavor of a cheeseburger, straight up. We're talking flame-broiled beef, mayonnaise, sesame seed bun, lettuce, tomato, american cheese, pickles, ketchup, mustard, the works, all right there in a bite-sized triangular chip. And I'd eat a full bag of that sh*t. Not like the little bag that's half full of air. Like a full-on family size bag of cheeseburger chips. And it would be late, real late. Late at night.

What if I could do something like that, just once? I bet that's what I was thinking.

Ridiculous Hollywood Endings: City of Angels

2011-06-10T22:33:00.000-07:00

Risk > reward.

OK, let's set up the clip. You've fallen in love with Nicolas Cage (who happens to be kinda creepy, unattractive, and in this movie, already dead). Somehow though, with the help of the NYPD Blue guy, Nic has come back to life just in time for lunch. So you wash some grapes, set the table and then inexplicably decide to pedal your bike 27 miles down Highway 1 to grab a pear. We all know what happens next. Please, sit back and enjoy!

Adventures in Food Packaging: Simply Maize

2011-05-09T23:29:00.001-07:00

Finally available at Whole Foods, the traditional breakfast cereal of our native people.

Adventures in Food Packaging: Ruffles Molten Hot Wings

2011-04-10T12:04:00.000-07:00

I want to believe this is literally a bag full of wet, messy hot wings. Is that not what they're promising with this image? Close your eyes and imagine yourself popping the bag open, then gently sliding your hand in until you're elbow-deep in molten hot sauce. Now that's a satisfying snack that requires a shower afterwards.

The Bacon Blitz

2011-03-05T16:31:00.000-08:00

The Bacon Blitz

Are you ready Steve? Uh-huh
Andy? Yeah
Mick? Okay
Alright fellas - let's go!

Oh it's been getting so hard
Living with the things you do to me
My dreams are getting so strange
I'd like to tell you everything I see

Oh and see a man at the back as a matter of fact
His eyes are as red as the sun
And the girl in the corner let no one ignore her
Cause she thinks she's the passionate one

Oh Yeah! It was like lightning
Everybody was frightning
And the music was soothing
And they all started grooving

CHORUS
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah-Yeah-Yeah
And the man in the back said everyone attack
And it turned into a bacon blitz
And the girl in the corner said boy I want to warn you
It'll turn into a bacon blitz
Bacon blitz, bacon blitz, bacon blitz, bacon blitz

Oh reaching out for something
Touching nothing's all I ever do
Oh I softly call you over
When you appear there's nothing left of you

And the man in the back is ready to crack
As he raises his hands to the sky
And the girl in the corner is everyone's mourner
She could kill you with a wink of her eye

Oh Yeah! It was electric
So perfectly hectic
And the band started leaving
Cause they all stopped breathing

CHORUS Repeat

Guitar Solo

Oh Yeah! It was like lightning
Everybody was frightning
And the music was soothing
And they all started grooving

CHORUS Repeat

It's it's a bacon blitz
It's it's a bacon blitz
It's it's a bacon blitz
Yeah, it's a bacon blitz

Adventures in Food Packaging: Potato Chip Diaper Bags

2011-02-20T12:04:00.001-08:00

No need for congratulations, they're just snacks.

Hello friendly readers! Today we're launching a new series called Adventures in Food Packaging. This is where we send our interns out into the grocery wild and they report back to us on the most ridic'lous food packaging currently taking up shelf space.

Our first installment is a real doozy. See that fellow up there with the bags of diapers? That's me, and believe it or not, those AREN'T diapers. It's how they're packaging chips now. Crazy, right? When I'm eating Cool Ranch Doritos I want my focus to be on the unique combination of exotic spices, not visions of some loud-mouthed baby's runny stool. RIDIC'LOUS!

On a somewhat related note, while doing research for this article I came across the following actual items. Please enjoy...

Cute or sad? I encourage you to vote in the comments section below.

Did The Four Tops get their name from the food service industry?

2011-02-05T10:05:00.001-08:00

The table that inspired a Motown legend.

A couple nights ago, while waiting for a table at one of our favorite Portland pizza places, Dove Vivi, I was struck by a striking revelation: It's possible, and quite likely, that beloved Motown act The Four Tops got their name not from the fact that there were four people in the group, but rather that one of them was a restaurant host familiar with the term "four-top." You see, we were having problems getting seated in the restaurant because there were four people in our group, and we had to wait for a four-top (in restaurant terminology, a table that seats four) to open up. Doesn't it seem obvious now that a similar restaurant experience inspired The Four Tops to take their now-famous name? I think it's time for a Wikipedia update.

And the winner is...

2011-01-15T16:16:00.000-08:00

Well folks, it's time to bring our latest Erasable Pen Reader Challenge to a merciful close. We let this contest run for a couple months, in part because I was too lazy to update the blog, but also because my wife was leading the competition for a while. She'll be the first to tell you that I rarely laugh out loud (LOL) when she speaks, so it would seem somewhat disingenuous for me to hand her the prize. Instead I had to wait for someone else to enter the contest. Thankfully Jill Aki did, and she's our winner!

Rather than just sending Jill the Hickory Farms catalog we had promised as the first-place prize, we decided to go ahead and actually order her something from the catalog. Here's Jill with her haul!

You see, it pays to enter the Erasable Pen Readers Challenge! To recap, we asked our faithful readers to explain what Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales was appealing for in his recent flurry of banner ads. Here's an example of the ads Wales was running:

Jill's winning entry?: "skoal - always there in a pinch"

Yeah, I don't know what it means either. But somebody had to win.

Reader Challenge: What does Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales really want?

2010-11-23T21:53:00.000-08:00

If you've spent any time on Wikipedia lately, you're probably quite familiar with these perfectly-lit photographs of the site's founder Jimmy Wales. Jimmy is making a personal appeal to us, but from the look of these images it's hard to know what exactly he wants. Thankfully, that's what Erasable Pen Reader Challenges are for! What do YOU think Jimmy wants? Please provide your answers in the comments section, preferably in the voice of Jimmy Wales. The winner will receive a free copy of the 2010 Hickory Farms catalog.

To get things started, here's what I think might be on Jimmy's mind:

Do you think I'd make a good high school health teacher?
Please say yes.

I'm thinking of starting a Radiohead cover band.
Is it OK if we practice in your basement?

The mathematical impossibilities of How I Met Your Mother

2010-11-15T18:27:00.000-08:00

When you own an outdated television set that only picks up three channels, every show gets placed under the microscope. This week I've decided to direct my gaze at How I Met Your Mother. And by "direct my gaze" I mean recognize that the show exists and pass judgment without having ever seen it.

So let's get started! OK, well, from what I can gather this show is all about a father sitting down and telling his children the story of how he met their mother. As he's recounting this story at their bedside, actors recreate momentous scenes from the courtship on screen. Unfortunately this seemingly innocent premise has a tremendous flaw: It's not sustainable. Think about it, this show is mathematically impossible.

Let me explain. So How I Met My Mother is in, what, its 7th season now? Say there are, oh I don't know, 20 episodes per season, and each episode is 30 minutes long. So that means each season technically covers 10 hours. Multiply that by 7 seasons and now we're talking about 70 hours of show all together. 70 hours! That's a seriously epic bedtime story this father is telling his kids. Are you picking up what I'm putting down?! At this point, the father in How I Met Your Mother has literally kept his kids up for 70 straight hours telling this story! Who can sustain a story for that long? Bill Cosby? Maybe? I'm pretty sure Bill Cosby is not the narrator in How I Met Your Mother, and even if he was I still doubt the kids would stay awake for the entire story. Yeah, no, this show just doesn't add up. Sorry folks. I ain't buyin' it.

The sleeping arrangement in Medium

2010-10-17T13:49:00.000-07:00

Anybody seen this show Medium? I don't get it. I mean, I understand the lady with the bangs has special powers that allow her to talk to dead people and solve mysteries in her sleep. Seems reasonable enough. What I don't get is why her husband puts up with her waking him up every night to tell him about her dreams. If I'm him I'm thinking "Seriously? It's 3 am and you're going to wake me up so I can listen to you yammer on about some freaky dream? Every single night of our now 12-year marriage?"

Things are so bad, dude doesn't even bother putting on his PJs anymore.

Sure, he'll complain a little bit. But then the next night it just happens again and nothing ever changes. Here's an idea. Buy your wife a moleskin notebook and tell her to write down her dreams rather than rudely shaking you awake every night. That way she can get everything down on paper and wait 'til breakfast to tell you about it. I guarantee her stories will be more enjoyable when you have a bowl of cereal and a sports page in front of you.

New Series! - Judging Judge Parker

2010-07-27T17:42:00.000-07:00

Today we're kicking off an exciting new series called "Judging Judge Parker." You know Judge Parker. It's one of those comic strips that's been running since the dawn of time, with an ongoing plot that's impossible to follow unless you're one of the select few who actually makes a point to read it every day. Who has that kind of time?!

Well, here at Erasable Pen we're going to do our best to make things easy on you. Every three months or so we'll present you with the most recent edition of Judge Parker, and then we'll attempt to fill in the gaps between the current strip and what happened the last time we checked in on the ol' Judge (is Judge Parker even one of the characters? Has anyone ever actually seen him in one of these things?). This is a much more realistic way of reading the comic strip, and hopefully together we'll be able to make some sense of it all.

To get things started, here's today's Judge Parker:

What the f***??????!!!!

Loose Meats Sink Ships

2010-06-29T19:53:00.000-07:00

Oh 4th o' July. You sweet summertime songbird. Never failing to lure us in with your promise of grilled food products, hazardous explosives and really really slow-moving parades. This year is very exciting because the ol' 4th o' Jeezy falls on a Sunday, which means most of us get Monday off, which in turn means we can eat and drink as much as we want before, during and after those fireworks blow up in the faces of our respective showboating neighbors, and then still have a full day to recover. So what's on your July 4 menu? Rather than the usual dogs and burgers, might I suggest Loose Meat Sandwiches?

Hot d*mn that looks TASTY! I'm sure you're all familiar with Sloppy Joes, but did you know there's a whole family of Loose Meat Sandos? The difference with the Sloppy J is the ketchup is mixed in with the meat. A traditional Loose Meat Sandwich just features a heaping pile of unseasoned ground beef on a bun. Dress it up as you wish!

In the Middle West, they call this a Tavern Sandwich. The pile of pebbly beef is usually mixed with seasoned onions, then topped with veggies (i.e. pickles, mustard and ketchup).

History buffs should also note that prior to the birth of the Tavern Sandwich and its cousin Sloppy Joe, there was the Maid-Rite. The Maid-Rite is the first Loose Meat Sandwich in recorded history. It was the brainchild of an Iowa butcher named Fred Angell who, in 1926, opened the doors to a new quick-service restaurant in Muscatine called, you guessed it, Maid-Rite.

How do I know all of this? Wikipedia.

Happy 4th errrybody!

Sully Sullenberger - the hero with the suspiciously catchy name

2010-03-24T19:31:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about Sully Sullenberger lately. Cause for concern? Not hardly. The guy has such a punchy name I just can't get him out my head. But you have to wonder, would this man still be making headlines (or randomly showing up in my dreams) if he didn't have such a memorable moniker?

Brief history lesson (not that you need one): Sully Sullenberger is the dude who safely landed US Airways Flight 1549 in the Hudson river after a flock of birds disabled both engines. His crazy mad flying skills saved the lives of 155 passengers.

Yeah, it would have been an impressive feat even if his name wasn't Sully Sullenberger. But let's be real. There's no way we'd still be talking about this guy if his name was, say, Ted Reynolds. In fact, we would've forgotten all about him within 30 minutes of his heroic touchdown. Seriously, that's a fact.

All I'm saying is, if you're considering having kids, please give the child a super catchy name. You'll increase your chances of someday meeting Oprah tenfold.

And now I'd like to leave you with some of my favorite images of Sully Sullenberger enjoying his much-deserved hero status.

Hangin' with Oprah!

Gracing the cover of People!

Dubbed "The Last Aviator"!

Tossing out the first pitch at a Yankees game!

Peddling his own book!

Always keeping a fresh-faced philly on each arm!

The Dark Side of Hall and Oates Tribute Album

2010-02-10T20:21:00.000-08:00

About 17 years ago, my brother and I decided to head out on a spontaneous road trip to the Oregon Coast. We were living on an island just outside Seattle at the time. Before we hit the road we filled up the tank and decided to purchase one of those cheap gas station cassettes to serve as the soundtrack to our journey. Somehow we ended up choosing "Hall & Oates - The Early Years." This seemingly random decision would forever alter the course of our lives.

I remember being alarmed by the beauty and simplicity of the tracks on that cassette. At the time I, like most people, only knew Hall & Oates for their synthesizer-laden 80s pop hits. But these songs were from the early 70s. They showed an entirely different side of the dynamic duo. We kept that cassette in the player for our entire trip. It was impossible to resist the effortless harmonies, delicate acoustic balladry, and nimble piano work. The songs worked their way into our souls.

After that trip we made it our life's mission to track down every possible Hall & Oates release on vinyl, and believe me, their are a lot of them. I started collecting before I even had a functioning record player. When I did finally get one up and running, the fact that 75% of my record collection was Hall & Oates became a point of pride. I of course was most fond of those 70s albums, but I grew to appreciate the polished pop hits as well.

Then, maybe five or six years ago my brother came up with a great idea. His master plan was to spearhead a sprawling Hall & Oates tribute album that would showcase not just the hits, but also the deeper cuts and hidden gems we so enjoyed. The album would be called The Dark Side of Hall and Oates, and we'd record it analog to capture the warmth of those early records. He enlisted me and several of our talented musical friends to help out with the project, forming a retroactive supergroup known as Koot Hoomi .

Well, here we are. It's 2010 and I'm proud to announce that after five years of recording, Koot Hoomi presents The Dark Side of Hall and Oates is complete and set for release on March 9. The album consists of 15 tracks, offering up a full hour's worth of re-imagined Hall & Oates goodness. It's quite a ride, and I encourage all of you to hop on board.

You can learn more about the album and hear audio samples at the official website www.darksideofhallandoates.com. We've also launched an online presale for those who want to be the first to receive the CD. All presale orders will be shipped on or before March 1.

Thanks for listening and for supporting our creative endeavors. To some, such a project might seem silly, but I can assure you this effort is straight from the heart, and we couldn't be happier with the results.

Om Guru Oates.

Fill up the tub, we have a winner!

2010-01-14T18:23:00.000-08:00

Congratulations to Concrete Tomato for winning yet another Erasable Pen Reader Challenge. This is CT's second victory in our ongoing series. The subject of the challenge, you may recall, was to come up with an alternate title for the new movie Hot Tub Time Machine.

Here's Concrete Tomato's winning entry:

H.G. Wells' The Hot Tub Time Machine

Hey, it was a difficult challenge people. Personally I find it mildly amusing, which is reason enough to award Concrete Tomato the big prize: a 6-pack of Diet Rite.

Now let's take a look at our runners up:

In second place we have Natalie Bohm with the bland, yet oddly compelling Turn on the Jets.

Coming in third is Antelope Baby Industries with the equally dry The Hot Tub Effect.

Honorable mention goes to Woz for The Brotherhood of the Time Traveling Germ Incubator.

Thanks for playing folks! Keep your chin up. You're all winners in my book, and surely it can only get better from here.

In Conan we trust

2010-01-12T23:30:00.000-08:00

I don’t normally use this blog as a forum to talk about deeply personal matters (aside from my love of snacks), but I want to take a moment here to address the programming debacle at NBC. As I’m sure you’ve already heard NBC is trying to give Conan O’Brien the shaft, yet again, by moving Jay Leno’s “variety show” to 11:35 and bumping Conan and The Tonight Show to 12:05. Conan has decided to take the high road, and crafted a beautiful statement expressing his unwillingness to be part of a plan that would move The Tonight Show out of the timeslot it has held for almost 60 years. Conan cares about tradition, and he would rather go elsewhere than participate in this harebrained scheme that’s destined to destroy the legendary show he has dreamed of hosting his entire life. I, and everyone I know, support Conan to the fullest and will follow him wherever he ends up. Why? Because in a not-so-roundabout way he has helped shape our collective sense of humor for much of the past 20 years.

During Conan’s first few seasons (aka The Awkward Years) hosting Late Night, my high school buddies and I would tape every episode on VHS cassette. Then on the weekends we’d get together and watch the standout moments while drinking ungodly amounts of soda pop. A couple of us even used our favorite “In the Year 2000” bits as senior quotes in the yearbook. Mine of course was delivered by Andy: “In the year 2000, the artist formerly known as Prince will no longer be referred to by a symbol, but rather… an odor.” I still find it funny to this day.

When I went off to college at Ohio University, Conan’s ratings in our dorm must have been through the roof. If only NBC had a way to measure such things. I can’t count the number of times I heard my buddy Brian Woznicki cackling in the room next door around 12:45 am. I’m almost certain most of those outbursts had something to do with Conan’s opening sketch.

This brings me back to the idea that our own senses of humor have been molded in some way by Conan. For me and my closest friends, we grew up with Conan. His unique brand of humor was right there in front of us during a very important period in our lives. We were in college, on our own, honing the wildly creative side of our brains, and loving every minute of it.

From the beginning, Conan, Andy, and their brilliant staff of writers always pushed the envelope, night after night finding new ways to make us laugh. Did they ever let up? Did they ever settle for the same old same old? No. Just look at Conan’s first week hosting The Tonight Show. Sure there were a few wrinkles to iron out, but the laughs were there right off the bat, and no one can accuse these guys of being anything other than original. Compare Conan’s show to any other talk show and you’ll see what I mean. These guys try harder, and they care more.

You know, not everyone in the world attempts to be funny all the time (and that’s a good thing), but Conan does. And for clowns like Brian and I, and many of our friends, it’s kind of what we do too. We probably fail more than we succeed, and I’m sure we can be annoying, but at this point it’s just the way we are. Did Conan have something to do with this? Of course. He’s the funniest guy we know, even if we only know him through a television set. Hold strong Conan. We’ll be watching.

Reader Challenge: Create an alternate title for Hot Tub Time Machine

2009-12-28T21:52:00.000-08:00

Like many Americans, I spent part of my Christmas day at the movies. We decided to see Sherlock Holmes. Pretty decent flick, but what really stuck with me after I left the theater was the preview they showed for the upcoming film Hot Tub Time Machine. Yes, that's the actual title of the movie. Amazing! It sounds so outlandish, but it makes perfect sense. The movie is about a group of dudes who use a hot tub to travel back in time. What other name could you possibly give this thing other than Hot Tub Time Machine? I don't know. I don't even know if I love it or hate it. But that, my friends, is your new assignment. Here's the trailer:

Hey isn't that John Cusack? Well, this is clearly our most difficult Reader Challenge to date. I'll throw a few ideas out here just to get the juices flowing.

Hot Tub Time Machine alternate titles:

Jacuzzi Leap
Rub-a-Dub-DOH!
Drawing a Bath to the Future

Now it's your turn. Please post your ideas in the comments section. Whoever provides the winning entry will receive a six-pack of Diet Rite.

Is this really you?

2009-12-21T22:59:00.000-08:00

Our friends at Yahoo! have reinvented themselves with a new ad campaign, and apparently a new service that lets you, yes you, control the NET. This is exciting stuff. Well, until you look at the people they chose to represent you. Let's take a closer look at you, through the eyes of Yahoo!

Do you like to skateboard? Shirtless, in swim trunks, after you just finished working out at Muscle Beach? And will you still be kick-flipping at the ripe age of 50? Something tells me this isn't the sk8er boi Avril Lavigne was referring to.

If this truly is you, I think I want to punch you in the face.

What the **** are you wearing? Did you just raid a free bin? I feel embarrassed for your pit bull.

Is this how you react when you check your email? I hate to be the person to tell you this, but you didn't really win a prize from Megafortune Lottery International.

You are giving me plenty of reason not to have kids.

A true story of natural flavor, and other natural flavors

2009-12-02T17:42:00.000-08:00

To an outside observer my life might appear perfect, but let me assure you it’s not. You see, I love snacks. Love them. Don’t worry, this isn’t about my weight (I’m as thin and wispy as Slim Jim himself). It has more to do with supply and demand. It seems no matter how many snack items I stock up on there’s never enough finger-food to last the entire work week. That’s why this week I decided to go with Triscuits. Is there any heartier cracker on the face of the earth? No, I don’t think so. Eating a Triscuit is like munching on a tree trunk. These are strong crackers. Of course with all that added stability you’re sacrificing a bit in the way of flavor, or are you…

The packaging read “Quattro Formaggio” (that’s Italian for 4-cheese snack cracker). Without hesitation I tossed the box into my reusable grocery sack and moved to the checkout aisle. Could these Triscuits… these baked whole grain wheat crackers possibly satisfy my cravings for a full week? And what of the multiple cheeses? Could this inspired recipe bring forth an explosion of flavor previously unavailable to those who walked similarly wheaty cracker paths? And are Triscuits really made in Italy?

These and other questions clouded my vision as the cashier rang up the sale, but through the haze something caught my eye. There was a note on the box, something I hadn’t noticed before. In all caps, for all the world to see, right there in the center of the package the following words were written: NATURAL FLAVOR WITH OTHER NATURAL FLAVORS.

The message rang loud and clear. There was a combination of flavors at play, to be sure. Yes, the four cheeses of course. But also natural flavor, as well as other natural flavors. I hurried home and went to sleep well before my bedtime, hoping with all hope that the night would race by, bringing me that much closer to the remarkable natural flavors contained within each wondrous Triscuit.

I won’t lie, I had a hard time sleeping that night. But like clockwork, morning did eventually come. To the sweet whistle of a blue bird I hopped out of bed, already in my work clothes, and raced to the bus stop with cracker box in hand. When I arrived at the office the faces of my workmates lit up like fluorescent bulbs. They were happy, not only to see me, but also my Quattro Formaggio Triscuits. Surely with the additional natural flavors packed into these crackers I’d be able to spare one or two, right?...

Wrong! I devoured the entire box within minutes of my arrival. They tasted pretty much like ordinary Triscuits, but I was really hungry.

James Cameron is sending the U.S. military on a very questionable mission

2009-11-11T19:30:00.000-08:00

Has anyone seen the preview for this new movie Avatar? I am so confused! First of all, how can you spend $300 million on a movie and use Papyrus as the official font for all your titles, logos and marketing materials? Papyrus comes free with Microsoft Word, and it's the font that everyone uses when they think they're choosing something that looks cool, when in fact they're doing the complete opposite (see the wedding invitations your sister designed for you). In the off chance you're not sure what Papyrus looks like, here's a sampling:

Here's the same font, Papyrus, used in the logo for James Cameron's Avatar:

...and again in the teaser:

What in the name of Pandora is going on here? Can James Cameron not afford to buy the font of his choosing? Why go with the freebie? I know we're in a recession, but there are other ways he could have cut corners in this film without sacrificing the dignity of the designers.

Which leads us to the actual movie. Here's the trailer for Avatar:

Jigga waaaaa? Why is James Cameron sending the U.S. military on some wild crusade to kill off a bunch of innocent fairies and pixies? We're already fighting two wars. We don't need to take on another. Imagine the billions of dollars it will take just to get our troops out to their planet. Apparently they have some amazing natural resource out there. But we haven't even fully committed to our own renewable resources yet. I'm talking about the wind, the water, and the sun, my god the almighty sun. I thought we were trying to reduce our dependency on foreign oil. It doesn't get much more foreign than this Pandora planet.

I don't know what else to say. I'm exhausted. Maybe James Cameron will explain himself in the feature-length film, but I have serious doubts that this war is gonna turn out well for anybody involved.

Cheeze N Cracker Crisp - The cereal made with real Wisconsin cheese!

2009-11-02T23:01:00.000-08:00

Editor's note: This is the second installment in a 12-part series on sandwich cookies and other assorted sandwich-like snack items.

Remember Cookie Crisp? How 'bout Oreo O's? These were cereals founded on the seemingly delicious premise of cookies floating in milk. Yes, it sounds like a good idea, but I was never all that into it. Probably because I don't have much of a sweet tooth. I'm the type of person who would rather have my birthday candles stuck in meatloaf than sheet cake. I guess you could say I pitch my tent in the savory camp.

So when the time came for me to create my own cereal for home consumption, I thought long and hard about what's missing in the modern cereal aisle. Believe you me, there are a lot of cereals out there. Which makes it all the more remarkable that no one else beat me to this idea. Are you ready? No? How 'bout now? OK, here it is... Cheeze N Cracker Crisp, yes, made with real Wisconsin cheese.

350% calcium daily value per serving.

You know that feeling after you eat some cheese and crackers and all you want is a tall glass of milk to wash it down? It's like you can't have one without the other. And that's what makes Cheeze N Cracker Crisp so perfect. It's what you've always wanted in a cereal. You just didn't know it until now.

It looks like a jack-o-lantern but tastes like a pizza!

2009-10-31T14:07:00.000-07:00

I don't know how this flew under my radar, but for the past week, Papa Murphy's has been offering a take-and-bake pizza specially decorated to look just like a jack-o-lantern! Imagine the deliciousness. This is no ordinary pie. With a unique combination of artfully placed pepperonis and black olives, the pizza's mouth-watering face is the spitting image of a carved pumpkin. The resemblance is so remarkable, if I plopped one of these pies on my doorstep I can guarantee the teenage hooligans who live down the street would smash it to pieces. But we don't want that. We want to eat this thing!

Now you better act fast because Papa Murphy's Jack-O-Lantern Pizza Special ends tonight! I'm sorry for the late notice. Hopefully you read this blog in time, because if you miss this opportunity it will be another year before you're able to eat a pizza where the pepperonis are positioned in this exact shape. And believe me, you can taste the difference. Happy Halloween!

The not-so-mysterious demise of Hydrox sandwich cookies

2009-10-21T19:10:00.000-07:00

Editor's note: This is the first installment in a 12-part series on sandwich cookies and other assorted sandwich-like snack items.

I often think about what I would do if I owned a functioning time machine. And I'm pretty sure my very first mission would involve traveling back to 1908 to convince the geniuses at Sunshine Biscuits that "HYDROX" is an awful name for a sandwich cookie. Surely you remember Hydrox. They're like Oreos, only better. But sadly, thanks to a name that conjures up images of laundry rooms and Mr. Yuck stickers, Hydrox never stood a chance against it's hotshot rival.

How easy was it for Oreo to waltz in and steal the sandwich cookie crown? Think about it. It's the early 1900s. You're stuffing your face with Hydrox cookies, each bite more delicious than the last, when you realize, "wait a minute, if I could create a sandwich cookie half as tasty as this, but with a catchy name that doesn't sound like something that will burn my skin upon contact, I'd be rich!"

And that's exactly what happened in 1912, when Nabisco introduced the Oreo, a vastly inferior product that remains incredibly popular to this day, almost a full century later. Where's Hydrox? The cookie no longer exists, but if you're ever in the Home & Garden section of Sears, ask for it by name and they'll supply you with a bottle of something sure to keep the slugs off your heirloom tomatoes.

What ever happened to moats?

2009-10-13T11:19:00.000-07:00

Remember back in the day when all it took to protect your property was a nice deep moat? Why don’t we use those things anymore? Forget alarms and security cameras. If you really want to safeguard your home, nothing’s more effective than a moat. Trust me, I actually work in the security industry. I know what I’m talking about.

Why, just the other day I was thumbing through the online news when I stumbled upon this remarkable story out of Beijing: “Scrap collector drowns in moat after being chased by community wardens.” Believe it. Moats work. And it seems the folks over in China are already one step ahead of me in bringing them back into vogue.

The thing about moats is, anybody can have one. You just have to be able to dig a ditch. That’s a skill we’re all born with. And if you’re too lazy to dig one yourself, you can always find someone on Craigslist to do it for you.

There’s really no excuse for not having a moat. Think about your home, your family, your candle sticks. Do you want to give intruders free access to walk right in as if they own the place? Nobody’s gonna want to rob you if they know their clothes’ll get wet in the process. These guys may be crooks but they’re not stupid. One look at that moat and they’ll move on down the cul-de-sac to your neighbor’s house, the one that’s not surrounded by a ditch filled with murky water.

Starting to wonder if Thelma & Louise had second thoughts

2009-09-12T08:43:00.000-07:00

I don't typically use this space for ranting, and some might argue I don't use this space for much of anything (considering my last post was in May), but please allow me to vent for a moment. It's the ending of Thelma & Louise. It really, really bugs me.

I always felt they should have thought things through a little more before they drove off the cliff. There's a lesson to be learned here, and that is: If you want to be wild and adventurous go skydiving or bungee jumping, or test your luck with Taco Bell's new Volcano Box. Don't grab a friend and say "Hey let's nosedive into the Grand Canyon today."

Introducing the Apple iDetector

2009-05-24T09:38:00.000-07:00

Curious where I’ve been hiding the past few months? Turns out I’ve been holed up in the shop working on my latest groundbreaking invention. It’s called the iDetector and it’s scheduled for release in Q3 2009, just in time for summer!

If you haven’t already figured it out from the name, the iDetector combines two of man’s favorite pastimes – listening to music and detecting metal – into one remarkable device. Yeah, it’s a metal detector and an MP3 player. Pretty cool huh?

Now when you’re combing the beach for old bottle caps and hotel room keys you can bust a move to the latest hit singles from Black Eyed Peas and The Decemberists. Best of all, the iDetector comes bundled with a free download of the next U2 album which the band is writing specifically for the iDetector release. Oh hold on, I’m detecting something else here… it’s… ANOTHER GRAMMY for the boys from Dublin!

I know what you’re thinking. All this music is going to distract you from actually detecting any of that precious, precious metal. But don’t worry. While the iDetector can play up to 30,000 continuous songs in shuffle mode, the music drops out in favor of a piercing beep any time you come across potential metallic treasure.

Happy detecting! And, you’re welcome.

Take solace, we have a winner!

2009-01-27T22:19:00.000-08:00

It feels like ages since we launched our second Erasable Pen Readers Challenge. Why has it taken so long to announce a winner? Well, we usually like to hand all of our awards to loyal reader Brian Woznicki, but this time his response was way inappropriate. You might remember the challenge was to use the James Bond title "Quantum of Solace" in a plain old everyday sentence. Brian's response, "Is that a Quantum of Solace in your pocket or are you just experiencing an erection?" was completely tasteless. We're not going to condone such behavior by giving Brian any more ink than he deserves, so I won't even mention him in our list of winners this time.

Instead, let's take a look at the people who truly stepped up their game:

In third place we have a voice from the past, Ben Keefe, with... "The test results came back, and as we suspected, it's a quantum of solace."

Finishing in second place is Brad with... "My brother barged into the bathroom and interrupted my quantum of solace."

And the champion? Concrete Tomato with... "擬開賭籌錢 ‧歐犯太歲好在占運勢
‧翠普賓州小鎮燒出緊急狀態 ‧14州
獎 Quantum of Solace 梅莉史
‧經濟指標大利空山雨欲來 ‧演員工會
‧教宗加恩4主教掀波"

I think we can all agree this contest wasn't even close. Congratualtions Concrete Tomato! You've won yourself two quantums of solace and that wonderful living room set from SEARS, plus the respect and admiration of Erasable Pen readers around the globe. Way to go!

Reader Challenge: Use the phrase "Quantum of Solace" in an actual sentence

2008-12-03T21:57:00.000-08:00

With the release of the latest James Bond film "Quantum of Solace," we have a super exciting new catch phrase on our hands. You see, "Quantum of Solace" isn't just a brilliant title for a movie, it's also really fun to say, and quite applicable to everyday conversation. I encourage you to give it a try. In fact, let's just go ahead and make this the subject of our second semi-annual Erasable Pen Readers Challenge! Ladies and gentlemen, brothers and sisters, please use the comments section below to showcase the ways you intend to work the phrase "Quantum of Solace" into ordinary speech. Here are some examples off the top of my head to help you get started:

Now if I could just have a quantum of solace, this headache might subside.

Seriously, I’m not asking for much, just a quantum of solace.

Honey, where'd you put the quantum of solace?

Mom’s recipe calls for 2 cups dried cranberries and one quantum of solace, cut into wedges.

Hey, there's still a little quantum of solace left. You wanna lick the spoon?

Now it's your turn. Submit your ideas in the comments section. The winner will receive not one, but two quantums of solace, plus a new living room set courtesy of our friends at SEARS.

Coming to grips with the Beer Glove

2008-10-14T20:29:00.000-07:00

Do you ever wonder what fraternity brothers do after receiving their business degrees? Well, they come up with ideas like this:

More obnoxious than a can coozie, and only slightly more subtle than an oven mitt, the Beer Glove is made of a special polycarbonate fiber that keeps your hand warm while you clutch your favorite beer. To ensure a secure grip, the palm of the Beer Glove features a sticky-tac surface almost identical to that found on the wide receiver gloves Jerry Rice used to haul in 197 touchdown catches during his remarkable 20-year NFL career.

Or maybe it’s just an ordinary glove.

Good friends put their heads together, make cereal

2008-09-03T21:28:00.000-07:00

It's amazing what you can do when you put your mind to it. Take these two good friends for example:

They're retired, probably don't have too many obligations outside of the occasional guided bus tour. But one day, they must have turned to eachother and said, "You know, it's always been a dream of ours to release our very own high-fiber cereal. Life's short. Let's just do it!" And guess what? They did! That just goes to show you folks, don't ever give up on your dreams.

Making the case for plaid crayons

2008-08-04T22:51:00.000-07:00

At a recent Erasable Pen reader picnic, I found myself engaged in the most delightful and enlightening conversation with some of my faithful followers. The topic of our discussion was: Plaid – What is it? Is it a color? Is it an attitude? Is it merely a pattern?

I took the stance that plaid was in fact a color. Not surprisingly, most people agreed with me. But let’s be honest, my readers will pretty much believe anything I say. Later I set out to definitively prove myself right by digging through a Crayola box, but much to my dismay, I was unable to find a plaid crayon.

What, you say? In that entire box of crayons not a single one is dedicated to the color plaid?! Shame on you Crayola. Your oversight is costing kids worldwide the ability to properly fill in their lumberjack and Eddie Vedder coloring books. I propose we all take a moment to write the folks at Crayola, as well as our local government leaders, and demand that plaid be added to the standard crayon lineup without delay, even if that means they have to make some extra room in the box. Who really uses Burnt Sienna anyway?

Illustration courtesy of Antelope Baby Industries.

And the winning toilet seat cover name is...

2008-07-13T23:08:00.000-07:00

Recently, we held our first-ever Erasable Pen Readers' Challenge. The assignment was simple: come up with a new name for a toilet seat cover company.

I'm proud to announce that the winning entry is...

Chester H. McGillicutty's Olde Tyme Ass Mats
~ courtesy of WOZ

Congratulations WOZ! You are a true winner in every sense of the word! I hope you don't mind but we've already stolen your idea and put the ass mats into production.

Thanks to all who submitted ideas. We certainly received some dandies (view them here).

And again, let's all take a moment to congratulate WOZ on his winning submission. Nice one!

Reader Challenge: If you could name a toilet seat cover company, what would it be called?

2008-06-26T21:39:00.000-07:00

I work in a fairly typical office environment, at least for the kind of office that’s located in a business park. We have a nifty access control system, plush grey cubicles, particle board ceilings, and two sets of bathrooms. Now, we all know it’s important to take a break every now and then at work. For the smokers this is easy, but for the non-smokers it can be a little more difficult to come up with ways to relax. I often choose to take some extra time in the bathroom. There’s plenty of good reading material in there, most notably the packaging for the toilet seat covers. For a long while, our office was loyal to a toilet seat cover company with the remarkable name of “Yours Alone.”

But more recently we switched to an upstart outfit called “Rest Assured.” At first I was a bit upset, but then I realized Rest Assured is a pretty amazing name in its own right.

This got me thinking, if I owned a toilet seat cover company, what would I call it? Here are a few quick ideas I came up with:

1. Sit Tight
2. Paper Throne
3. Squat and Deliver
4. It's a Safe Bet Somebody Probably Peed On There TM

Now it’s your turn! Please use the comments section to post your ideas. The winning toilet seat cover name will be featured prominently in a future Erasable Pen blog entry, and its creator will receive a 1-year modeling contract with Clinique along with a full-page photo spread in Seventeen magazine.

Behold the 2008 Special Edition Ronald McDonald Honda Element

2008-06-09T20:45:00.000-07:00

Desperate to light a fire beneath the automobile industry’s sagging SUV sales, Honda has unveiled the latest entry to its fleet of all-terrain vehicles – The 2008 Special Edition Ronald McDonald Element.

Starting at $20,990, the Ronald boasts real-time 4-wheel drive, a powerful i-VTEC engine, an innovative Drive-by-Wire TM throttle system, and optional super-sized cup holders. Each Ronald McDonald Element also includes your choice of five Kung Fu Panda action figures.

Great Moments in Food Photography: Nan's French Fondue

2008-05-20T22:25:00.000-07:00

While flipping through my favorite cookbook the other day - Egg and Cheese Spaghetti and Rice Dishes - I came across this drool-inducing image.

Doesn't that look good? I bet it really sticks to your bones. Well, as a special treat I've decided to share the recipe with you, my loyal readers. Enjoy!

Nan's French Fondue

1-1/2 long loaves French Bread
1/2 cup butter, margarine, or Country Crock
1/2 cup sharp prepared mustard
1-1/2 lb. sharp natural or process cheddar cheese, slice 1/4-inch thick
4 eggs, well beaten
5 cups milk, hot
1-1/2 teasp. Worcestershire
1/8 teasp. cayenne
1/4 teasp. paprika

1. Day before: Slice French bread into 1/2-inch slices; spread generously with butter and mustard.
2. In 4-qt. casserole, alternate layers of bread and cheese slices to fill casserole.
3. Combine eggs, milk, Worcestershire, salt, and cayenne. Pour over bread and cheese layers. Sprinkle top with paprika. Refrigerate, covered, until next day.
4. About 1-3/4 hours before serving: Start heating oven to 350-degrees F. Bake fondue, uncovered, 1-1/2 hours.

Makes 8 servings (though you'll be hard-pressed not to eat the whole thing in one sitting).

What's wrong with this picture? Brooks & Dunn make the cover of Country Magazine, creep out reader

2008-05-06T20:01:00.000-07:00

Longtime reader Aaron Semer stopped by the Erasable Pen offices recently to drop off this thought-provoking issue of Country Magazine.

The cover of the periodical – which was found on an end table inside Seattle's Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center – disturbed Aaron greatly, but he wasn't exactly sure why, so he decided to hand it over to us for further inspection.

This turned out to be a wise move, as it took our experts just under three hours to determine the real problem with the magazine's cover.

If you take a close look at Ronnie Dunn (the charming fellow on the left), you'll notice his beard is completely disproportionate to his hair. In fact, they're of two distinctly different follicular genres.

Dunn's unfortunate condition is the direct result of improper management of the Norelco Maverick Beard Trimmer. You see, he clearly has his Maverick locked in on the number 7 setting. Any knowledgeable beard groomer knows that this is too high of a setting, thus too thick of a beard to accompany such a slick, well-coifed hairstyle. The beard is too long, too unkempt, and quite honestly, too masculine. A lower setting, say a 3 or a 4, would streamline the beard, making it far more apropos for his overall look, and far less disturbing.

Aside from that, we found nothing wrong with this cover photo.

Nor did we take issue with the following ads, discovered on the back pages of the same magazine...

German scientists invent scented text messages - Could downloadable food be next?

2008-05-02T17:45:00.000-07:00

It was reported this week that two German companies have patented the technology for sending scented text messages via cell phone. So like, you know, you could send someone the smell of a rose (as an expression of love), or the ocean (if you're standing on the beach staring at the sea), or the aroma of the urinal biscuits at your local dive bar (if you've spent the night out drinking alone and want to share the experience with your friend who stood you up).

Don't believe me? See story here: www.thelocal.de/11619/

While your first reaction to this news is likely, "JIGGA WHAAAA????!!!," your second reaction should be, "hey didn't Dan Lurie (of Erasable Pen fame) come up with a similar idea years ago? Something involving emailing food, or something?"

Yes, that's right. Not long after the advent of electronic mail, and the internet, I started thinking about how glorious it would be if you could instantly access a snack, or even a full meal of food, with the click of a mouse.

This idea of using computers to prepare food was also partly inspired by the fact that the George Foreman Grill looked a heckuva lot like an iMac.

The gist of my notion centered on the concept of sending food as an email attachment, or downloading your favorite dish just as you would an MP3. I shared this idea with a number of friends and colleagues but it never really went anywhere. The technology didn't exist yet (or so everyone thought), and, to be honest, I'm not so sure the world was ready for my idea.

But now that it's possible for us to send and receive smells on our cell phones, my concept can no longer be considered "far-fetched." Mark my words. Within months, you will be able to use your computer, or Palm Pilot, to instantaneously download a fried-bologna sandwich, either using bit torrent or some other newfangled file-sharing program.

Soon you will be able to access this sandwich from your home computer.

The saddest thing about all of this is I'm sure someone else has already patented my idea by now. So instead of being able to take credit for its brilliance, I will simply have to enjoy the delicious convenience of downloadable food like all the rest of you average citizens.

Introducing the McGrillers Salad

2008-04-29T17:53:00.000-07:00

I've had some pretty brilliant ideas lately.

Check this out.

You know how everyone loves those grill marks on the Burger King Whopper? Well, what if there was an even healthier alternative to the flame-broiled hamburger that retained the aesthetically pleasing grill marks?

Allow me to introduce you to the McGrillers Salad.

Vanessa Rehder of Antelope Baby Industries was kind enough to put together this illustration of my vision.

Notice the grill marks on the lettuce leaves? Those tasty streaks lock in the flavor, and ensure that your salad is grilled, not fried. I'm thinking there could also be a version with bacon for the truly health-conscious.

The McGrillers Salad. I'm lovin' it!

BACON CHALUPA GUY UPDATE: Reader weighs in on Rusty Joiner, Tony Sirico, and the battle for acting's greatest prize

2008-04-28T12:14:00.001-07:00

While sorting through my pile of fan mail over the weekend, I came across a timely letter from faithful Erasable Pen reader Brian Woznicki.

Brian writes...

"god bless you for making aware, and moreover, giving propers to, the brilliance of Rusty Joiner's now-legendary performance in the Taco Bell Bacon Chalupa Spot. But, don't go handing out that Oscar just yet, as my vote is for the disgusted/disdainful reaction shot courtesy of Tony Sirico in the newest Denny's commercial in which he ties a competitor's restaurant sign to the back of his car and rips it off the sign post. Said reaction shot comes after Sirico asks an employee if the image on the sign is a grand slam breakfast. The employee says "no," and Tony shoots daggers with a smirk so potent it actually made me consider eating at Denny's."

Forgive me Brian. I realize this was a huge oversight on my part. Tony Sirico, while clearly nothing more than a poor man's Rusty Joiner, does indeed kill it in this Denny's ad.

Folks at home, take a look:

Color me impressed. From now on I'll think twice before I start handing out awards willy nilly.

And the Oscar should go to... that dude from the Taco Bell Bacon Club Chalupa commercial

2008-04-25T20:56:00.000-07:00

2007 was a great year for actors on both the big and the small screen. We witnessed standout performances by Daniel Day-Lewis in There Will Be Blood, Javier Bardem in No Country for Old Men, and Charlie Sheen in the 14th season of Two and a Half Men. But 2008 is shaping up to be even better, and this year's finest acting exhibition, without a doubt, comes courtesy of that dude in the Taco Bell Bacon Club Chalupa ad. You know the one: girls saddle up to the bar, pull out a purse with a Bacon Club Chalupa TM inside, three dudes gravitate towards its delicious aroma, and then this happens...

"What is that you're wearing? It's, it's, it's intoxicating."

Don't know what I'm talking about? Check out this clip:

I was so blown away by the brilliant delivery of the "intoxicating" line that I had to hunt down the actor responsible. Two things became abundantly clear during my extensive research:

The Internet is an amazing tool.
There are plenty of people out there who are as bored as I am.

After a quick google search for "that dude from the bacon chalupa ad," it was only a matter of minutes before my question was answered. It seems this guy is the talk of the NET. Discussion groups and user forums all across the world wide web have been working for weeks to track down his identity.

So who is this fantastic actor?

Answer: Rusty Joiner.

I know. I didn't believe it at first either. But when I closed my eyes and courageously followed the link provided by a Yahoo Answers discussion about Rusty, it led me not to a porn site, but rather to his Internet Movie Database page. Photos like this one proved that Rusty Joiner is a real person, and the amazing actor in the Bacon Club Chalupa ad. Mystery solved.